Mail bag!

Dear Trolls,

I’m sick of repeating myself but  you seem to have low comprehension and thick skulls. But I love you so this one’s for you  – an entire post, only for your reading pleasure, answering all those deep, existential questions that keep you awake at night. You ask why I delete your insightful questions? Do you not have a right to ask? Do you not bleed when they cut you? Of course you do . I just delete them because they seem to have nothing to do with the matter on hand and we don’t want the issue derailed, now do we? Also, I must tell you that your language stinks. Clean up and we’ll publish you once in a while. Do you feel loved and special yet?

1. Your posts so holier than thou.

Because I am deeply insecure about my parenting skills and often need the internetz to validate what I am doing. Please, please say I have your stamp of approval before I break my heart.  I am not half as confident about my parenting as you all must be. No doubt that is why you find my posts difficult to appreciate.

OR

I am holy – please kneel down and take my blessings. More holey than righteous in fact. Look, there’s a  big hole in the knee of my pajamas.

2. Mommy bloggers are back scratchers.

Mommy bloggers have their hands full – kids, husband, jobs, homes, social lives, charity/causes, blogs  (do you want me to go on?)  At times like this it is helpful to have a friend scratch that awkward spot we can’t reach.

OR

I am guessing you’re too thick to understand the real reason which is that mostly like minded people read a particular blog which is why we get a lot of agreement on our issues. Why do you read us, again? No life of your own? Even a busy mother’s hectic life is entertaining? Too much time on your hands and an unwillingness to scratch a friend’s back and help out, huh?

3. Mommy bloggers are cliquish.

It’s called being friends. All you need to do is stick out a hand and say Hello, how do you do? Go on, you can do it. Even my four year old can. On the other hand, if you have attention problems like a spoilt three year old and imagine that kicking, biting, screaming, frothing at the mouth and cussing will get you in, you’re wrong. Ask nicely.

OR

Most of us started blogging at the same time and have a lot in common. More than kids that is, be it food, fashion, politics, films.. so much. Why not aim that accusation at film bloggers, tech bloggers or anyone else? Is it hard to imagine finding common ground with others, camaraderie? I’d suggest you look around. I am sure you will find a group for abusive, nasty little misfits and warty toads – they will welcome you with open arms.

4. You’re a hypocrite. 

And you know that how? By the spy camera you fitted in my bed room? Or because you know someone who knows someone who is married to someone who went to school with someone who lives next door to my third cousin’s wife’s step brother and they said so? Right. Of course. That makes sense.

OR

Because I agree with something that you believe I shouldn’t because of something I said somewhere else? Well, tell you what, I’ll burn up that certificate that says I am a Saint and that should do. At times I agree, at times I don’t. Yes, I am full of contradictions. What I will find acceptable in A, I will find unacceptable in B. I’m not a machine where you will get the same output each time you click on a button. I change my mind and I often write posts to admit that I have changed the way I feel. It’s called being human. Again, not something I’d imagine you understanding. The swamp under the bridge probably functions differently.

5. Your family/brother/husband/kids suck. You should all die. 

We all will. Eventually. You might go faster with all that anger you’re bottling up and taking out on the unsuspecting www.

OR

You should get counselling for allowing a glimpse into someone’s family life get you worked up to the extent where you get so nasty. Fie!

6. You never allow disagreement.

Yeah. So? My blog, my rules. What sense of entitlement makes you think you have a RIGHT to voice an opinion here? The only right you have is to read. The rest is my call. I do plan to start reservation for rude morons and then you will have your very own quota to apply under. Until then…

OR

I do. Keep it clean, don’t cuss (wash your mouth with Dettol before you address something directly to me), be less venomous and we’ll get along fine. The oldest commenters like M, n!, (damn, I need an O, P and Q!) Choxbox, Poppy, Rohini – all disagreed with me vehemently and continue to do so. They just do it in a way that shows they were brought up well, not dragged up from a well. Some are here to win popularity contests, I am not. If I don’t like the way you address me, I’ll slam the door in your face so mind your toes.

7. You spend a lot of time on the blog for someone who has kids and a job.

And this is affecting your life in what way? Did I not deliver your pizza on time? Did my kids complain about my absence? Has my boss sent you a letter complaining about my performance? Has my husband complained about my err.. performance? So then how, how, how is this either relevant or your business? Is it deep concern and love for me? In which case I can send you my bank account number – send me some money and I’ll get myself something pretty as a token of your love.

OR

Clearly efficiency and time management are not your forte. Else you’d not find mine so shocking. Would you like me to take classes in management of time? Start with skipping the blogs that obviously tick you off and leave you frothing like the coffee you’re drinking when you should be getting work done.

8. I hate you and I hate your writing. 

I’m deeply concerned. I could suggest a counsellor who will help you deal with these conflicting emotions. You hate me, but you read me… the fascination of the abomination, huh?! I understand. Even I am drawn to watching blood and gore on Dexter. On the other hand I do rein my emotions in well enough to not cuss out the person who entertains me so.

OR

Your comments are in poor taste. Refer to point # 6. Do try not to behave as though you were born in a barn and are interacting with another human for the first time in your life. If you don’t like something or someone, don’t interact with them. Didn’t momma teach you that? Also, didn’t she tell you, IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. Send me your address and I’ll send you the Barney CD that says so.

9.  Your posts are always about how great a parent you are, how fantastic your kids are and how good looking your husband is, how happy your life is. 

Eh? Did you miss the part about the husband being grey, pockmarked and decorated with ugly toes and fingers? Clearly. Or the bit about the Brat being stubborn beyond measure? The Bean being a very plain looking child? Clearly you don’t pay attention in class. As to how great a person I am, that of course is indisputable. *takes a bow*

OR

Where in the memo does it say I must write about every part of my life, good, bad, ugly for you? Who died and made you moderator of my posts? Is it hard to imagine a person loving their life and their family? How sad are you?!

Also, perhaps you’ve missed the point of blogging. We mediocre writers whom no one will otherwise publish choose this platform to showcase how awe-effing-some we are. The blog could be about anything but the point is the same. That we’re simply terrific and no one recognises our formidable talent – Laud my photoblog and admire my great camera technique, appreciate my astute political opinion, what do you think of my hilarious Bollywood posts? Applaud my arts/craft/recipes. Critique my absolutely brilliant poetry. Marvel at my rather witty, random thoughts. Adore  my fantastic babies (that would be us “mommy bloggers”) and of course the anti-mommy bloggers who consider it infra dig to actually admit that their kids matter and say – I’m not a mommy blogger, I’m just a blogger who writes about her kids among other earth shaking matters. Whatever. We’re all navel gazers. Read, don’t read, yawn, move on. Click on the X. Get out of our faces. Get your own blog if you want to rant. Get out of our spaces. (wow! poetry, did you see that?!)

10. You say you’re tired of responding, but that is because everyone is disagreeing with you. 

Absolutely. I’m so effing brilliant that I don’t see how anyone on earth could disagree with me. I should be making government policies.

OR

I think it’s rather dense of them. They come up with the exact same thing someone 4 comments above has said and still think it’s the tactical response of the century. You might not agree, but unless you say something new, I am fast losing interest in the issue AND I also have a life that I must get back to living so that I have something to blog about tomorrow! What can I say, I have a low threshold for idiots who cannot just read the argument in the comments above them. Yawn.

Next round coming up in another post. Until the next time you get your knickers in a twist, fare thee well.