This is an entry for Indiblogger’s Soch Lo contest. The topic being, do all relationships come with a past?
Frankly, I was surprised to see the question. Is there any chance they could possibly not? Aren’t we all a product of our pasts? The OA grins and says I am perhaps most qualified to write on this. According to him I carry my baggage with me, like a turtle and that includes ex-loves. Can anyone really be an ex-love? Does love really die? It’s energy isn’t it? It changes from one form to the other. From wild passion to a calm friendship deeply rooted and very cherished.
As I often remind the OA, I am what I am today, because of my past. If I thought I could marry a man from a different background and religion, its because I saw my parents work it brilliantly. Because I saw them take their differences and turn them into an advantage, not a liability. If I pick up his language within seconds of hearing it, its because years ago I fell in love and dedicated myself to learning the Bengali script, eventually speaking the language better than the boy I learnt it for. I’d be a different person if I didn’t have the very experiences that I did. Perhaps it didn’t seem like it then but a chance encounter in a corridor might have turned me away from a different path to the one I am on today.
What would I be if I hadn’t learnt from previous loves to give unconditionally and freely? He has a wicked grin that says he doesn’t really buy my argument or care either way, and perhaps that is what matters. That he’s secure in his place to not care that past loves just live on in their own special place, just as my parents and friends and other loves and interests retain theirs. A troll once left a comment saying that my family (including the OA) and I are ‘weird’ for having no hang-ups about exes. I understand that some people might have issues, but I equally expect them to understand that I don’t. Apart from the initial couple of months when things are awkward, an old lover is almost like an old loved home.
The heart skips a beat but only out of sheer habit. You do feel a smile cross your face because of the history but it doesn’t make your world stop in its tracks anymore. The OA and I were driving by our old house the other night after a long day, and I almost unconsciously heaved a sigh of relief that we were nearing home. Until I realised we were nowhere near our new Gurgaon home, but passing our old, Delhi home. Almost like that absent reaching out for a hand that is no longer yours to hold.
I am not the sort of person who moves on easily and by that I mean that everything that has ever been mine makes a place for itself in my heart and stays put. It might slide over to make room for the new but the old stays on and comes back in flashes of nostalgia. A little twinge. And a warm feeling.
So yes, right now an ex is teasing me about my taste in music (on facebook!) while another one plays courier and carries back gifts a friend sent from the UK for the Bean. Does it affect my present? Not unless I let it or the OA feels threatened by it. To say nothing of the women involved currently with the exes who are remarkably secure too. This sort of situation does call for a whole lot of maturity on each person’s part.
Does it have to be this way? Not really. We could have cut each other out of our lives cold turkey (we did have a period of no contact while we all licked our wounds and healed) – but I think we’d all be poorer for it. What brought us together were common interests, a love for certain things, an enjoyment for a certain type of music/art/sport – a deep contentment in each others company. Why lose out on that because the timing was wrong or because something got in the way of the romance? What does it say about our choices in love if we can no longer stand to see those people or don’t feel the loss? I believe that a true love never really dies and that cutting it out of your life makes you lose a part of your soul.
So soch liya. As far as I know, all relationships come with a past, and if you’re very lucky, find a place in your present and your future without upsetting the apple cart. Of course you could live in denial, but I’m not one to do that.
There’s a second topic too, asking what you’d do if your partner’s ex wanted him or her back. Simple – it wouldn’t make a difference to my life, other than amusing me. What would really matter is if my partner wanted them back too. In that case I’d get out of the picture with minimal drama and let them get on with life. Why stand in the way of true love? And by the way, that is something I’ve told the OA many times over. The day he feels this is over or wants to get back/together with someone else, I’d move on without a fuss. What would be the point? Would I really want to hold on to someone who didn’t want to stay? Should I fight for a relationship where I am not valued? I think not.
So go across right here and vote for this post of mine. If I win, I might get a blackberry. As you all know, my iPhone packed up and I lost my mother’s Blackberry. I am currently using a Nokia that is falling apart and has a torch. If nothing, I might just win a couple of movie tickets and hey, I could take my ex out for a movie while the OA babysits 😉