After the last story I posted on the woman who stayed on with her husband, I decided not to post anymore because of the number of questions and judgment she faced. But the truth is that there are many more such and we’re really not in a position to judge them and their choices. They are not you, they do not live their lives to gain our approval, and yes, we all want to set the best example for our kids but can you honestly say you make every choice in your life only to set a good example for your children? Is there never a time you make a choice because it seems right to you and to hell with what it looks like to the world and whether people approve of it or not? Well, these are those times.
At no point are we suggesting or encouraging women to stay on in situations of violence. Quite the opposite of course. On the other hand, we’re talking about these issues to get them out of the closet. So that the next time you see your ‘accident prone’ friend with a bruise or a fracture arm, you create an opportunity for her to talk, to confide and perhaps find a real friend in you. One who supports without judging, one who helps and one who allows her the dignity of making her own decisions. Isn’t that after all, what they’re fighting in their marriages too?
So inspite of my resolution, I’m posting this one. This lady reads my blog and wanted to share her story. Please be gentle. And appreciative of her willingness to share.
So the story is nothing new. Two young adults. 22 years old. Fell madly in love and got married, after convincing both sets of parents that they were meant to be. He was the real McCoy according to her. And she was an intelligent beautiful woman whom he’d like to spend the rest of his life with. Or so they thought. Moving into the in-laws house was her dream. Which began turning into a nightmare. Slowly, she realized everything was not as hunky dory as it seemed in the beginning. Unrealistic expectations. Young love took a beating. And how. The first time he hit her was during a spat about the in-laws. And she kept thinking, “I caused it.” She had a violent temper too – with a caustic tongue. But no, that does not mean you raise your hand against a woman. The first thing she did was go to a doctor, and told him she fell down the stairs. The second time was when she was seven months pregnant. Again, due to a spat where she dared to speak out in front of her parents about the atrocities at home. Then they moved cities, and she thought it would get better. Sadly it didn’t. It got worse. Alcohol is never a good thing when it comes to violence. Then one day he hit her so hard she passed out. She came to, and promptly called the police. Sadly he was too drunk to know. The next morning she showed him the call and the time and told him he’d better be prepared to lose everything he had and owned if he ever so as to even thought of raising his hand ever again. She was the daughter of a police commissioner for crying out loud. She gave him an ultimatum. He’d better clean up his act. And she would, in turn try working on their relationship. Raising a baby and work and home wasn’t easy for her. And it was taking a huge toll on their relationship. They started going out on dates. Started everything from scratch. And thankfully, are in a better place now. But she will never forget. It’s always there in the back of her mind during a fight. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger they say. And she’s much stronger now. And she knows she will walk out, no questions asked, if it ever happens again. That’s a promise she has made to herself and her child.
Edited to add: Her response – Nikko (And others) Ironically, I always thought I’d be the one walking out too. Whenever I heard what other people did, I’d be the one telling them, “Just pack your bags and go.” It is not that simple in real life. I wish it was. There were far too many things involved. Families. Emotions. A daughter who loved her father and vice-versa. I recognized what was causing the violence. He apologized over and over. I could sit and tell you the entire story, but no one else but me will understand. What I ask of you and the others is just what TMM said. To sit and listen and to hold our hands and support us. That will do us a world of good.