Indiblogger: Soch lo! contest

This is an entry for Indiblogger’s Soch Lo contest. The topic being, do all relationships come with a past?

Frankly, I was surprised to see the question. Is there any chance they could possibly not? Aren’t we all a product of our pasts? The OA grins and says I am perhaps most qualified to write on this.  According to him I carry my baggage with me, like a turtle and that includes ex-loves. Can anyone really be an ex-love? Does love really die? It’s energy isn’t it? It changes from one form to the other. From wild passion to a calm friendship deeply rooted and very cherished.

As I often remind the OA, I am what I am today, because of my past. If I thought I could marry a man from a different background and religion, its because I saw my parents work it brilliantly. Because I saw them take their differences and turn them into an advantage, not a liability. If I pick up his language within seconds of hearing it, its because years ago I fell in love and dedicated myself to learning the Bengali script, eventually speaking the language better than the boy I learnt it for.  I’d be a different person if I didn’t have the very experiences that I did. Perhaps it didn’t seem like it then but a chance encounter in a corridor might have turned me away from a different path to the one I am on today.

What would I be if I hadn’t learnt from previous loves to give unconditionally and freely? He has a wicked grin that says he doesn’t really buy my argument or care either way, and perhaps that is what matters. That he’s secure in his place to not care that past loves just live on in their own special place, just as my parents and friends and other loves and interests retain theirs.  A troll once left a comment saying that my family (including the OA) and I are ‘weird’ for having no hang-ups about exes. I understand that some people might have issues, but I equally expect them to understand that I don’t. Apart from the initial couple of months when things are awkward, an old lover is almost like an old loved home.

The heart skips a beat but only out of sheer habit. You do feel a smile cross your face because of the history but it doesn’t make your world stop in its tracks anymore. The OA and I were driving by our old house the other night after a long day, and I almost unconsciously heaved a sigh of relief that we were nearing home. Until I realised we were nowhere near our new Gurgaon home, but passing our old, Delhi home. Almost like that absent reaching out for a hand that is no longer yours to hold.

I am not the sort of person who moves on easily and by that I mean that everything that has ever been mine makes a place for itself in my heart and stays put. It might slide over to make room for the new but the old stays on and comes back in flashes of nostalgia. A little twinge. And a warm feeling.

So yes, right now an ex is teasing me about my taste in music (on facebook!) while another one plays courier and carries back gifts a friend sent from the UK for the Bean. Does it affect my present? Not unless I let it or the OA feels threatened by it. To say nothing of the women involved currently with the exes who are remarkably secure too. This sort of situation does call for a whole lot of maturity on each person’s part.

Does it have to be this way? Not really. We could have cut each other out of our lives cold turkey (we did have a period of no contact while we all licked our wounds and healed)  – but I think we’d all be poorer for it. What brought us together were common interests, a love for certain things, an enjoyment for a certain type of music/art/sport – a deep contentment in each others company. Why lose out on that because the timing was wrong or because something got in the way of the romance? What does it say about our choices in love if we can no longer stand to see those people or don’t feel the loss? I believe that a true love never really dies and that cutting it out of your life makes you lose a part of your soul.

So soch liya. As far as I know, all relationships come with a past, and if you’re very lucky, find a place in your present and your future without upsetting the apple cart. Of course you could live in denial, but I’m not one to do that.

There’s a second topic too, asking what you’d do if your partner’s ex wanted him or her back. Simple – it wouldn’t make a difference to my life, other than amusing me. What would really matter is if my partner wanted them back too. In that case I’d get out of the picture with minimal drama and let them get on with life. Why stand in the way of true love? And by the way, that is something I’ve told the OA many times over. The day he feels this is over or wants to get back/together with someone else, I’d move on without a fuss. What would be the point? Would I really want to hold on to someone who didn’t want to stay? Should I fight for a relationship where I am not valued? I think not.

So go across right here and vote for this post of mine. If I win, I might get a blackberry. As you all know, my iPhone packed up and I lost my mother’s Blackberry. I am currently using a Nokia that is falling apart and has a torch. If nothing, I might just win a couple of movie tickets and hey, I could take my ex out for a movie while the OA babysits 😉

120 thoughts on “Indiblogger: Soch lo! contest

  1. I’m like you…Past relationships don’t worry me…I’ve even socialized with my husband’s exes…I meet my ex once in a while for lunch…The only thing is, we are open about it…I tell my husband if I’m meeting my ex and vice versa…

  2. Mad Momma, Could you post a link to your post out there. There are quite a few, and I tried searching for yours. But no luck! I’d like you to have the Blackberry.

    You are blessed to have so much love to give and to receive.

    • I am blessed that you care enough too. So yes, I am blessed. I will never forget that. thank you. and yes, please ask people to vote. I would love a phone that doesnt have to be held together with rubber bands! anyhow – check again – i’ve added the link towards the end of the post in the last paragraph

  3. MM,

    I want to vote too, but the indiblogger website is blocked from work 😦 So how do I vote now?

    And I agree with you – there is always sweet nostalgia about the past…

      • Nope – I had to create an id with Indiblogger, which I happily did 🙂 And voted for you, hopefully you get the blackberry. Personally, I would have preferred it to be an Android phone though 😛

          • I have an ally – give it a shot and you will not regret it, I promise 🙂

            Btw, the indiblogger is really getting on my nerves – just realized my vote didn’t count, as my blog is not active now (the server is down after a move and all) 😦 Let me see if I can add some other blog to my profile to get going…

            • (couldn’t reply to your response, not sure why)

              Chin up! If you are meant to get it, nothing can stop you from getting it. Else may be we can all pool in and get you an Android phone 😛

  4. Whoa gurl…why’s this damn voting thing so complicated…am trying am trying…want you to win the blackberry 🙂

  5. OK..whoever managed to vote without an FB id pleeeeaaaaseee tell me how you did it. Which button, where ???
    I know i sound dumb… 😛

      • Last line was a clincher..was wondering how my wife would react if i took one my exces out for a movie..i know she reads this blog and i am very curious what her views are on this 🙂

        • ROFL!! well lets put it this way – the OA and I were planning a trip abroad recently and part of our plan is to visit and stay with one of his exes. of course the trip is not going to work out but it was fun builiding castles in the air.

  6. Hi MM…i am with you on the exes bit…i have told that the Tall one, in case he ever feels that he has found someone else (ex or otherwise), it would be fair to let me know…i dont guarantee no damage/drama but i will let him go…coz every1 including me will be better off for that.

    Oh techie challenged Tall One…have u learnt to read blogs and if so…do re-read the line – i dont guarantee no damage!

  7. Hey MM… I have been following your blog for quite some time… Indiblogger is not allowing me to vote without a blog.. 😦

  8. “The day he feels this is over or wants to get back/together with someone else, I’d move on without a fuss. What would be the point? Would I really want to hold on to someone who didn’t want to stay? Should I fight for a relationship where I am not valued? I think not.”

    Exactly how I have always felt.

  9. Hi,

    Very well said! Every word of yours rings so true for me as well.

    I am trying to vote but the indiblogger has to approve my blog for my account to be active. Hoping it happens soon enough.

  10. I don’t have half as much love to share as you do. I realised my response to everything you mentioned in the post, is extremely knee-jerk. I will not let go if my husband wanted to return to an ex. There was a reason he broke up in the first place. Even if I did let go, I can’t assure minimal drama. In fact I can assure the exact opposite. I guess the only thing I am insanely idealistic about is marriage and family. It is forever. And if it is not, there has to some drama. It is not easy to let go of someone you have made a home and family with.

    On the other hand, it has never taken much out of me to get over relationships. Not in hindsight at least. I don’t keep in touch with ex-es. Irrespective of who dumped whom. When I broke up, there was a reason. Once you cross that line of friendship, I don’t think there is any returning to “just being friends”. Too mcuh baggage. Inconvenience, if you will. I know that’s.. I don’t know.. Crass? But that’s how it is. For me. Having said that, if I bump into someone from my past in say the office lift (this happened very recently to me), I am calmer and more pleasant than I would be in a non-awkward situation 😛

    To each his own.. The post made for a good read. Am I voting? You bet I am!

    • yes, there was a reason he broke up in the first place, but I dont care for that reason if the situation is such that he wants to get back to her. that is his problem. not mine. depends on the reason. maybe it was distance in the good old day. maybe parental opposition that they didnt have the guts to fight. could be anything that is today manageable na?

        • breathe.. breathe. no one is asking you.
          all i am saying is that the reasons for which people break up dont always have to be permanent. so the argument that they’ve broken up for a reason, is not to my mind, a valid one.
          shaant gadadhari bheem 🙂

  11. Is ‘promoting’ the same thing as ‘voting’.. if it is, I did vote. And why does the blurb / first two sentences on the Indiblogger site read different from the actual post? Was confused if I’m voting for the right post.

    Garv se kaho, hum technologically challenged hain!

    I loved your take on this and I envy the openness you both bring to the situation.. it can’t be easy for sure – for me personally, exes need to be cut out of my life to live sane (relatively). I guess I believe they are exes for a reason, and because I’m far too jittery + easily involved like that (you can call me flaky and fickle and dont-do-commitment-very-well too). Maybe time and maturity (we live in hope) will bring some desperately-needed security 🙂

    • 🙂 they asked for a blurb there. sorry!

      yes, they are ex-lovers for a reason. but that doesnt mean they cant be friends. just like you and i can disagree on this issue and still be friends. maybe i wanted kids and he didnt. that does mean we cant get married. but it doesnt mean we cant be friends. right? so why cut him out of my life.
      that said – i still believe that the past is a part of who you are. you might cut the lover out of your life, but you’ve already changed irrevocably in some way because of him or her

      • That part is undeniably true.. you are never the same. So in that sense, something “uncuttable” stays on. And I just realized that maybe in an example like yours, I won’t mind staying friends. Maybe my reasons don’t lend themselves to friendship that easy.

        Oh, and I find it funny that Tamanna and I have very similar thoughts (like on a lot of other things too) but for the absolute opposite reasons. For her, marriage is sacrosanct and I balk at the thought of saying ‘Forever’.. sometimes just because of the faint thought of jinxing it 😀

        • LOL! Funny woman! 😛 I had told my husband before we got married that if he thinks one day he can bring up the past or go fall in love with someone else and get rid of me, he should just drop me like hot cake before the wedding. Because I. Will. Not. Leave. I will stay and torment him and myself to death 😛

          Of course a statement like that always brings up hypothetical situations. But I shut my ears and start screaming so I don’t hear anything anyone else has to say 😀 😀 I don’t care much about reality or patience before I decide my response to things that may or may not happen 😛

          I took forever to decide who I wanted to get married to. Turned into a bitch overnight in one relationship. Suffered a heartbreak in another. But now that I am finally married (even the thought of it sets my mom off to Siddhivinayak :D), it had better be forever.

          • see this is a different point. even i married forever. but do i want to spend forever with someone who suddenly discovered they dont feel the same way? I’d want to wash my hands and disinfect them

            • Quite agree there. I’d do the same.. My reason would be that I *think* I have too big an ego to stay on.

              The more I read about what you’re saying, the more I’m loosening up.

            • yes, there is always ego. i’d be very hurt. but i mean all said and done, whether i played up hell or took it in my stride, i think i’d leave anyway. at a decent level it seems two people who want to be together should find no impediment. at a self respect level, i’d not want to stay where i wasnt wanted.

              and sometimes you look back on your own choices in embarrassment. i think its a phase thing. after a point you realise that no one else’s opinion matters. maybe the person wasnt right for you, but hey, who is anyone else to judge you?

  12. So articulately written….can’t agree more…am going to get back home and vote since I can’t access facebook at work…and I want you to get the blackberry… deserve it MM

  13. I signed up for an indiblogger account because I so want you to get the blackberry although I hate signing up for stuff especially when they ask for date-of-birth in required fields, but now it seems a moderator has to “verify” my blog or some such. hmph!

    My thoughts on the post itself… later.

  14. Not sure if everyone can take the partners ex relationships so well. I dont think its possible to just close an ex file and delete it. Specially if it was a person you had deeply loved and cared about. However over time things change. One of my friend put it very beautifully “Love never goes away, it only changes its form”.

  15. This is so godamn true. I’m someone who has believed in one love for life, and glad that I found mine. But my love does have a past and that sometimes hurts. Not that he has a past, but the fond memories which could have been mine, the heart that could’ve avoided breaking. Yes, relationships come with a past. Almost all.

  16. Is ‘soch lo’ an allusion to the famous Sholay dialogue – “Soch lo, Thakur. Gabbar ko pata chalaa toh bahut khoon-kharaba ho sakta hain.”?

    On second thoughts, it can’t be :-/

  17. okay reallly ridiculous voting process! n generally i never vote w/o reading all the posts..for any contest on blogsphere….
    but this time…i am voting for ur post…’coz A)I liked the post. B)i really think u shld get the BB given everything u’ve been thru the last mth!

    Now waiting for some Activation email !

  18. for comments on the post:

    I DEFINETLY agree that all relationships come with a past. No questioning that . n i cldnt nod my head more in agreement when u say that our past is what makes us. We are what we are today because of the experiences we have had yesterday.

    Even i keep in touch with my ex-s. but not all of them. ‘coz unfortunately i hv noticed that in some cases, they havne’t realized that I have moved on the from the relp; that i cannot talk with them certain things that i used to as a girlfriend. That i dont feel very comfotable discussing specific memories of our past together, tho of crse, like you say.. the memories are there..deep in there someplace.
    Once u have loved….u will alwez have some kinda emotion..anything but indifference towards that person/thing. Very true that !

    The 2nd Q : well generally when I answer a hypothetical Q..i know i cant be 100% sure about my response. Frankly i feel no one can be 100% sure while answering a hypothetical Q…’coz without being in those shoes,going thru’ what one does at that moment…one will truly never know how one will react/handle the situation.

    n personally many-a-time i have surprised myself by reacting in a different manner than what i had thought i would when i face the situation in reality.

    More often than not our response to a hypothetical the way we would hope/want ourselves to react to a situation. Nothing more than that.

    PS: okay now waiting for blog verification

    • thats true. you can never know 100% what your reaction will be. and i might just break the OA’s head open. but will i insist that he stays with me? i dont know. what point would there be?

      • I agree there is no point in asking someone to stay with u, when they love someone else.

        but in the past I’ve begged for love. If i look back, i wonder how the hec my self-respect got so low. but i know I didn’t think of self-respect or the point of such a love at that time. All that i wanted was for that person to feel a certain way for me n for that I did so many silly things for a very long phase. Even then, when alone n during the sane moments..i wld reprimand myself for acting that way, but i would forget all that in hardly anytime n be back to my craziness.

        I had never imagined that I would go thru’ that phase n now when i look back..i cant imagine how i put myself thru that phase. but the truth is that I did.

  19. Struggled to find your post in the morning, then read your reply to Banno.
    I hereby declare that I have promoted your post:)
    I’m old fashioned, though. If a romantic relationship comes to an end, for me it’s over. Khatm. No dosti-vosti. We are like this only:)

  20. signed up, got the moderators to “approve” of my blog, and Promoted you.
    Pichli baar ka bhi daru, sari and chicken udhar hai boss.
    @Dipta: methinks the Soch Lo is inspired from the Gulaal song…waha bhi tau chunao tha…

    “woh Daya Ka Bhaav Ya Ki Shaurya Ka Chunaav
    Ya Ki Haar Ka Woh Ghaanv Tum Yeh Soch Lo
    Yaa Ki Pure Bhaal Par Jala Rahe Vijay Ka Laal
    Laal Yeh Gullal Tum Soch Lo
    Rang Kesari Ho Ya Mridang Kesari Ho
    Ya Ki Kesari Ho Taal Tum Yeh Soch Lo””

  21. Awaiting blog moderation 😦

    I can’t think of being in touch with my exes but to each his own 🙂 But it is true that the past – including relationships – definitely influences us – for better or for worse. We are changed people because of our past, because of the choices we made. And, whatever happened, happened for a reason. The reason may not be apparent then, or maybe never.

  22. I went and ‘liked’ it! Does that count as a vote? Tried creating a profile but everytime it tells me what I entered for the word verification thing is wrong 😦 I’m trying. Will finish that and come and comment on the post.

  23. Nice post! Couldn’t promote it though, since I don’t have a blog 😦 ! But I do hope you get the Blackberry:)

  24. MM,
    Sweetie..this is one of my favorite posts of urs..I am so like this aspect..still in touch with the ex-es..except one..coz he was a total jerk..a real nut-case..
    In touch with their spouses as well..and DH is OK with it too:).
    But we learn something from every relationship,its a part of u..u cant just cut it off!
    Off to vote for u now.

  25. Dhoor, couldn’t vote. Do I have to sign up for an Indiblog account first?
    Can you please do a short post on how to vote for technology-challenged idiots like myself? Please.

  26. you know- I was discussing exactly this the other day with a colleague of how my past forms an integral part of my present- my past has taught me many things for which I value m much more- it has also taught me that no matter whether ur relationship stays or not, the love continues in some form or the other- they are a part of what I am today, good or bad. I’m not in love with my ex anymore but yes I still love him for who he is and happy for him wherever he is. Today I will never leave m for him but shud he ever need any help il probably be there for him the same way I would be there for m, much more than I Wud do for a friend. So yes, very integral to my being. I think il actually write a post on this for my already dead blog- not for the contest tho’
    And btw, iv forgotten what u and ur clan look like 🙂

  27. Past – its scary when put like that. People you’d rather never meet again turning up at crossroads. Eee. But like you said, no worries as long as your partner is loyal and has eyes just for you.
    A very interesting read!

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