The one where the world shrinks

Dear Brat and Bean,

Can I apologise? Apologise for every night that I’ve crawled into your bed when you’re fast asleep, just to bury my nose in your neck and cry? I don’t know why I do it. But sometimes it does seem like the world is getting too much. That I have too much to do and too little time. That you are growing up too fast. That your father doesn’t appreciate me. That the days are too hot and the nights too long. That there’s too much crime in the world that I brought you into and too little hope. It’s mostly pointless so I don’t know why I do it.

Maybe its not that. Maybe its just for that baby powder smell you still carry. Or that slightly spitty smell as you drool in your sleep. Maybe its the softness of the cheeks. Or the warmth in the curve of your neck.

All I know is that when I bury my nose there.. just right there, I am reminded of the story of baby Krishna opening his mouth to show his mother the whole world in there. Well, on those nights, my whole world shrinks and its right there. Right in the curve of your neck.

I love you,



69 thoughts on “The one where the world shrinks

  1. MM hold on to them and snuggle into their childhood ….. there were times (more than I care to recall) when I did the same. They grow up so fast, and then are embarrassed when you show emotions.

  2. sweet. i did a tag, and while writing it, i realised that my 2 are the ones who keep me sane, and pull me out of the worst moods.
    so identify with it.
    when i bother them at night my older one shouts at me for disturbing her, while the little one just cuddles up 🙂

  3. This broke my heart. mostly because i could relate to it completely.
    not the crying in my children’s neck part since cats cannot count as children… but the crying over life and the state of the world and any other excuse part.
    i do that too.
    you’re ok. you’re human!

    and you’re an awesome mom with hilarious and intelligent kids, and a husband whose back of the head any reader here could recognize. his face…never seen it. lol.

    • no no.. dont do that. i always invite people who are feeling broody, to spend a day with my kids
      they arent the worst kids on earth, but mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn…. they exhaust me!

  4. when i was a baby my mom moved to a different city and my grandfather was heartbroken with missing baby-me.
    so the women in the house fixed him by having the neighbors bring their baby over everyday for him to hold just so he could have the familiar baby powder smell around him.

    soft cheeks mixed with baby powder khooshboo is the best fix for all problems. and if you feel all this pain for things surrounding you, it just means you’re a good person.
    there’s so much apathy around…people like you are rare.

  5. That was so beautiful!! B&B are lucky to have a mother who records all her feelings for them. When they are older they are going to appreciate these little notes to them so much.

  6. i love your posts! but wouldn’t you want few letters to your brat n bean buried in the closet for novel discovery later .. otherwise keep posting ! love them all …

  7. Kids have a strange comforting feeling. Don’t they? Esp when they sleep 😀 And its just great to be able to cry without explaining. Sigh!

  8. Hi MM,

    yes…very familiar… sometimes everything seems to be going wrong. But trust me, as long as the whole family is healthy and safe, we can deal with any thing. I have a kid with serius health issues. You have no idea how green your side of the world is.

  9. Ohh MM,you do this without the fear of waking them up,i appreciate.When kids are up n running and making mess,we yell at them,and just want that time they would sleep(ambuli is now sleeping),and cuddle them at sleep.
    But am always scared if she would wake up and for that fear,i dare not go near her while she sleeps.

    • no child of mine can afford to be a light sleeper
      Well, both of them were light sleepers to begin with, but I insisted on being noisy around them, never switching off the TV or lights just because theyre in the room – had once written a post where I had complained that the OA says I literally harass or molest them with the amount of cuddling and kissing I do after they fall asleep

      • Am not sure when she will be light n when she will be sound sleeping,sometimes when i break all the hell in kitchen,she would be in dreamland,other time i juz sneeze and she juz cries,crazy!!
        Molest?? strange did he say that?(only for this you can call him unappreciative).

  10. very heartfelt..MM.
    there are some things you are OK not having answers to….crying in the warmth of your kids is one of them.
    you are not alone….

  11. MM,

    Don’t do this to me now!!!! Groan! I’ve just gotten out of V’s bed having done the exact same thing. Too many troubles coursing thru my mind tonite and needed a good cry:-)

  12. Got me all very senti…i do it too very often..cry mostly out of regret…when i should hv patiently listened to them instead of shouting..when i should have uttered loving words and hugged them closer instead of raising my hand…o! the list is endless…such an ill tempered mother i am!!!!

    • i’m an impatient, hotheaded mother too. and i try to improve only because I want to be a better person.
      otherwise i am okay with knowing that their mother is human and sometimes loses it.

  13. beautiful post mm. always luved to watch n hold my babies when they were asleep. was so obsessed with tht i used to feel guilty am this terrible mom who loves sleeping children better than awake n happening children!!
    n can relate to that ‘no reason’ tears v v much – it happens to all of us. it’s in the hormones tht make a woman!

  14. MM,
    Continuing on the theme of you inviting ppl to spend a day with your kids , i am also planing to have a kid very soon , so how can we touchbase ?

  15. wow. what a post.
    couldn’t let it go without adding my two bits, but then realised that i better not smudge the canvas…wonderfully written.

  16. Ummmm…when i am feeling down n out – i cry into my teddy bear’s stomach – his smell (though musty) reminds me of my childhood and my happy place in my mommy’s arms..

    Ok now you have set me off in my crying for no reason mode…off to search for teddy?

  17. *Finally* I get to actually feel what you write. 🙂 Recently adopted twins and its the best feeling in the world to watch them fall asleep in my arms.

  18. Hi MM, I also do the same when my children are asleep, not the crying part, coz I am too tired to even do that !!. But I feel so guilty for all the yelling I do at my children when they are awake and all over the place.

    take care

  19. …my wife’s an avid follower of your blog and I am often made to sit in attention an listen while she’d read out a post or two. I’d be honest, between my BlackBerry and the TV I may have nodded without really paying attention but this post… It’s just beautiful.

    I promise… to really listen the next time she reads out your next post out to me 🙂


  20. Touching Post.
    reminds me of a yesteryears MLTR
    “Oh my Sleeping Child…the worlds so wild..
    but you built your own…paradise…
    ….thats one reason why….
    i cover you sleeping child”

    May God give you strength and courage to face these challanges and raise the two angels as wonderfully as you do.

  21. I still do THAT!! and my “babies’ are 23 and 28:)
    No need to apologise to them.. thats what God made babies for!

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