A walk on the wild side (not!)

This one’s for you!

You know, when I started blogging, I naively wrote about everything that crossed my mind. So if the OA and I fought, it was up here for the world to view (all 7 of you!). But the readership grew and I soon got trolls who funnily chose to support the OA while diligently reading my blog. Who thought I was being unfair in not writing his POV. Hey! My blog, my POV – this isn’t supposed to be the court of law, you know. And what kind of couple doesn’t fight? The kind who are made of plastic and in a showroom display window I guess.

Anyway, I stopped. Because I didn’t have the patience to put up with them. Of course that brought in the other sort of troll. The type that envied my silly life simply because I love it so much. Hated that I was unconflicted over motherhood, that I had a husband who loved me and a life that fills my heart with joy.  Who wanted me to stop writing only happy things and fooling (?) the world into imagining I lead a perfect life. One cheeky little twit had the gall to tell me that I shouldn’t act as though my life is great and my trip to Auli was exotic and wonderful  – hey, what can I say?! I don’t have the money to dive with the sharks and for poor old middleclass me, it was exotic enough and I take great pleasure in every little thing life throws my way. Even leaky milk jugs. Can I help it if you hate your sucky life? Gah. You can’t please ’em all.

So for a change I thought I’d show you a side of the mad house you haven’t seen in a while. The OA and I fought tonight. The reason is no state secret. Simply that the OA is ‘absentminded’. So any chore that is his, must be repeated 65,789 times before he finally does it. Either that, or I simply do it myself rather than keep reminding him. Which is really unfair because then I end up doing every darn thing in the house!

This is a habit that  really hurt my feelings when I was newly married.  It made me feel almost unloved – because if you love me, you’d care enough to remember what I asked you to do, right? Wrong. Apparently that isn’t the way with him. So while I’ve given up on little favours and personal things, I still have to keep at him if I want any chore done around the house. Our household chores are divided up but he just refuses to remember to do them.Yes, once I’ve reminded him a couple of times he gets up uncomplainingly, but it’s a burden on me to remember not only my own work but his share too. And then to keep at him ad nauseum.

Now it could be that he is using his forgetfulness as an excuse to avoid work – but your guess is as good as mine here. It’s not really a crime/ sin of huge magnitude, but it’s the kind of daily irritant that gives a marriage its crank quotient. Not one to be shaken off easily, I keep at him to do his share of chores which makes it easy for him to crack those silly chauvinistic jokes in public about his wife nagging. I don’t really care anymore about what others think.  I just keep at him because I really don’t have the strength to do everything it takes to run a home and a family and I live in hope that someday it will become reflex (yeah, right!).

Tonight it was yet another one of those chores I’ve been reminding him to do for 3 days now and I finally lost it and called him selfish and self absorbed. Hell, why can’t he put a reminder on that damn Blackberry of his, I ask you! One insult lead to another and we both realised the kids were watching and so were the maids. So I gritted my teeth and shut up, giving myself a jaw ache. That wasn’t working and so I did what I haven’t done in a long time. I had fed the kids their dinner so I left them to him and walked out of the house. Carrying only my phone and an ATM card.

Out on the busy streets of Delhi alone after a long time, I realised how life changes once you’re married and at a certain socio-economic level. I haven’t done this in a long time – even if the car is unavailable, I atleast get an auto but today my wallet was empty (damn you, plastic!).

As I walked down the road, with no destination in mind, I shivered. I haven’t felt so alone in a long time. The last time I walked the roads alone was 8 years ago when I was a TV journalist on the graveyard shift. The drop van left me at the top of the road and I’d walk home, down the winding lanes of one of those little pockets of villages that only Delhi still retains in its heart. What if I became yet another statistic? One of those women who seem to get raped daily in Delhi?

I’m not a young girl, I told myself reassuringly. I’m a mother of two school going children. I’m 31 years old. Surely they can find better women! But who was I fooling? In my slim fit jeans, a sheer-ish white tunic top and my flipflops, with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, I was an easy target. After all my motherhood status and my cesarean scar were hardly on display for your average molester (if he cared at all!). And let alone rape, what about mugging? Suddenly my gold bangles weighed down my arms and the simple gold hoops in my ears were a liability. What the hell had I been thinking?

The thing with fear is that your senses are heightened. The same familiar road was suddenly full of sights and sounds. The fragrance of jasmine as I passed one gate and then the stench of urine as I passed a public toilet. The sound of a Bullet thundering dangerously close behind me made my stomach clench as I wondered, paranoid, if he was following me. Desperately trying to remember everything I’d ever learnt in self defence.

All the while getting mad. This was ALL the OA’s fault of course. If he hadn’t been so forgetful I wouldn’t have had to march out in a rage, would I? Had I just walked out on an errand it wouldn’t have been half so scary as now, as I shook in rage, the rage escalating, fueled by fear.

I guess this is the deal with marriage. It’s left me ill-equipped to deal with being single. Or alone. I can’t imagine having to get out of the house alone under any circumstances. I don’t usually leave the house if the OA is traveling. And if he’s home, he’s always with me. I felt myself melting at the thought of him constantly by my side and I sternly reminded myself that he was the scum of the earth. No, actually he was “The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum.”

I looked around for a safe haven. None to be seen. A temple up ahead beckoned, lights twinkling in the dark and I hurried towards it, seeking sanctuary at it’s steps. But a lady who couldn’t hold a tune in a basket, was singing and that shooed me on. I found a gurdwara further down the road but it was dark and deserted and probably the best place to ask for trouble. And then it came to me. A place that our entire generation seems to go to for a breather. A coffee house. A cup of coffee and a cookie later I’d calmed down. I hunted down an ATM, withdrew some money, figured I’d gallivanted enough for the night and began to head home. Only to wonder if someone was following me after seeing me emerge from an ATM. It’s unlike me to be so fanciful and I blame the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum for it. In a better mood I am not so antsy. In fact it’s a brave man who would tangle with me when I am in one of my better moods. I’m very likely to go for the jugular, fangs bared, a knee aimed at the family jewels, ensuring that the family line ends at the molester. I think of it as social service.

I got home safe and sound. The only part of me needing any care, being my dusty feet. A pedicure is the need of the hour. That and a soundproof room where the OA and  I can scream our heads off without the kids hearing it. Until then the walks will have to do.

What’s that? No, of course I’m not talking to him yet. I think he needs to grovel a little more.

Edited to add: Every marriage has its taboo topics. When you’ve been married long enough you know exactly where to hit so that it hurts.  And what makes it a safe haven is that you know the other won’t hit you there because its below the belt. Today the OA came pretty close to something that hurts and THAT is why he’s in the doghouse! Pandora’s box should never be opened.


102 thoughts on “A walk on the wild side (not!)

  1. I always come back to read your blog. You know what? If you want to write about how good your life is or how bad your life is or how happy, sad whatever you are, it is your blog your wish, how can anyone else mind? I don’t get it! I wish people would get a life!

    Me: hain? did you go away? And you’re right 🙂

  2. This seems like an episode straight out of my life and I’ve been married only for 5 months! 😦 Infact at the very moment I am uber frustrated with my husband for not having changed a light bulb in our garage that fused 3 months ago!!! Are all men like this? Selfish and self absorbed, giving higher priority to office work just because they get paid and promoted? Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to put up with this for years to come…. Any advice?

    Me: hit him over the head with something heavy. It always works. If I’d started earlier i’d have a better behaved husband 😉

    no seriously, I dont know. its why women ‘nag’ I guess. because they wont do anything unless you get after them whereas I get no peace until I’ve done every chore I have to for the day. my only real advice is not to give up. you let them get away with it and for life you’re stuck doing all his shit too!

  3. I had only read the first paragraph when I wrote my previous comment.. Sometimes I just walk out and drive in the streets till I am able to think again…but again, the last time I did that was 2 years ago. But we have our fair share of shouts and yells……bet that will change when we have kids!

    Me: you know – kids change things in ways you dont expect. :-/ this is one of the worse!

  4. I’m glad that I’m the only one who feels this need to walk out when angry, even if it’s night. And it’s funny how I have a similar thought process too, thinking of the things that could happen to me. And we have the same fights. Why can’t men just learn to do their share of the damn housework. Anyway I’m glad you wrote this because I now know it’s not just me 🙂

    Me: 😉 oh honey we’re all sisters in our eccentricities and temperamental ways. Why do you think I blog?! To feel normal!

  5. I had the sudden urge to ask my husband to read you post. But I think it’s a bad bad idea…. He will feel ‘normal’ and whatever little guilt he might have will evaporate! 🙂

    Me: LOL! no no … just tell him about it.. dont let him read it. and exaggerate a bit. tell him this woman locked her husband out for the night with the dogs or something 😉 doesnt do to let them build a fraternity i say

  6. This is such a coincidence. I did exactly what you did just a day back. Stormed out of the house and drove all over with no particular aim. Self absorbed is what I hate and if I do things in a huff I am stuck doing them forever and nobody gives a damn. Somehow this made me feel better. Thanks 🙂

  7. LOL “the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum”. I’ve been there too, loads of times! Never fails to amaze me how my dear husband unfailingly ‘forgets’ the newspaper in the loo every morning (before I’ve even laid eyes on it of course) and leaves his lunch dabba with food still in it to rot overnight- one time we’d gone on vacay and the dabba had a colony of fungus happily growing within.
    Hi, by the way, just blog hopped here and connected with your post instantly 🙂

  8. MEN MEN MEN They are all the same. They have something called selective hearing. When you tell them food is ready or tell them you are ready for you know what they can always hear you. Tell them the chores they can never hear it. We repeat it and they conveniently say we nag them 🙂

  9. I’m not even married and I spent all last weekend doing the dishes and folding clothes in his apartment when the maid didn’t show up. Two nights later, as we were getting to go out to dinner with friends, he noticed I was upset (it was unrelated, but he didn’t know it) and assumed it was because the house was a mess and quickly proceeded to clean up. I was half-amused and totally relieved to see some of the clutter go, so didn’t bother correcting him. 😉 You watch where you walk, though, missy. I’m surprised he let you walk off like that. We couldn’t take a walk alone as early as 10 pm when I visited, remember?
    No pearls of wisdom, hon, just know you’re not alone.

  10. This resonates on so many levels. Tired of nagging, I have started doing half the things he was supposed to do just to get them done but the frustration remains. Hell – you live in the house too…why do I need to load the dishwasher everytime..

    I feel so much better after venting! 🙂

    Me: you know – the comments have never flowed in half so fast… on any post!

  11. Ah from Narmi’s comment I get a little more perspective of why these men never lift a finger at home….BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT PAID TO DO IT! And there is a foolish woman at home who would end up doing at anyway! Ugh!

    Me: but this is not a joke. its true. how come their bosses dont need to nag? how come office duties and memos and phone calls are written in diaries and fed into phones while kids’ vaccines, laundry and the rest are not? because there’s no career progression and no immediate monetary compensation

  12. It amazes me how men are so homogenous in their characteristics!
    I am tired of hearing “I will do it” and never ever have i seen it getting completed without those 65,789 reminders … in most cases i end up doing it myself only to hear – oh u did it, i was gng to do it just now!!!

    And i so agree with what Maddy said in this thread – so true!

  13. Hey MM,

    Just the other day I was talking about this with my husband. How the ones that are closest to us can say things that can make us stop in the middle of an argument and leave. Because it hurts so much that its not worth arguing, defending or counter accusing.I used the same phrase ‘hitting below the belt’.
    My context was because of something that I did, all that a friend’s husband would have to say to her in a moment of rage is ‘your friends were right after all’to really really hurt her. Your post brought back the guilt.
    And your blog..what I like best is I get the feeling that you are not here to portray yourself as either a devil or a saint.You don’t really blog for anyone else than to get things out of your system (that’s my impression of it).I almost always see raw, written in the heat of the moment feelings in your posts..they are just so human…there might be judgments for people who do something but never for people who belong to a religion or a country or skin color..there is no hypocrisy and no hatred, no targeting any one in particular. And your posts are not a response to someone else’s post.
    My personal take on blogging is I think that the written negative word is taken much more seriously and can cause more damage than spoken word or the benefits of written words that praise somebody so I do try to tone down my negative tone.

    Me: 🙂 what brought that on? And thank you!

  14. I sympathize the poor chap…feel sorry for him man…:D 😛

    me..errr.. why??????????? what did I write in this post that had the opposite effect?! 😀

  15. In our home it is the reverse.
    Husband does everything and the chores assigned to me… he keeps nagging and finally either he does that or he gets so upset that I do it at the last ultimatum..

    Anyways – since I am in OAs role at home
    Lemme speak on his behalf

    It is not that we love you less..
    It is not we care for you less
    Fact one – We are LAZY
    Fact two – We set aside our laziness and start doing the chores assigned ..
    You guys are so picky no matter how well we do stuff, you try to find fault in that ..
    There is dust over there… this plate is not cleaned proper, did u clean only the toilet – u were supposed to clean the tub too…

    I mean when u give us the work; relax and trust that we will do that …
    (That’s what my boss does when he gives me assignemnet 😉

    I don’t know how you are:
    But my husband’s qns are more like
    You didn’t get the mail right?

    I hate that ..

    Y don’t u ask
    Did you drop off the DVD instead of you didn’t drop off the DVD right?

    The sentence structure makes all the difference …

  16. Nail on the head! We need to nag to get their share of work done and then get ribbed about nagging. Bah…what are we gonna do?
    It is commendable that you are able to write so clearly about what is an everyday occurrence in many homes.
    As for below the belt, being married for 6+ years now it is very tempting in a fight to do that sometimes. I can say cause I have done it. It is the verbal equivalent of a slap. Not supporting the OA just saying we all go there sometimes. However, grovel they must 😀

  17. I was on a no dishwashing and no sex strike for 2 weeks. Enough said.

    I think men are just wired differently. The chores that will haunt us as we lie down to sleep, worrying and ticking off what else needs to done tomorrow doesnt hold as much importance to them. Oh the water in the plants saucer is full, koyi baat nahi. Oh the girls need XYZ book for their report. Ho jaye..
    I am going to stop before I get even angrier.

    Me: LOL! I TOTALLY get you. even i tick chores off in my head. I get up at 2 am if I remember something and I rush to do it… sigh. we deserve better men 😉

  18. Ouch. I can feel your pain.

    With my wife and I, it works both ways. I have to nag her to do certain things, and she has to nag me to do others.

    Sometimes she feels she’s got the worst of the deal until I pointedly demonstrate the reverse 😀 .

    A psychologist once mentioned that for a marriage to work out, there must be 5 “good” moments for every single “bad” one. That’s how much we hate the “bad” moments – only 5 good ones can compensate…

    So far so good – We get around 8 good ones for every bad! There are periods though when that proportion drops dramatically and those times are the real pits.

    What’s your proportion (if it’s not too delicate a question?)

  19. darn! most self respecting, strong headed and women completely in lowwe will do what you did. I do this so often that now its lost its novelty. when I did it in India it worked- he always frantically called me to apologise. Hah! those were the days. In australia, he hardly even bothers. He knows I don’t wander beyond the darned park and I always see his ciggy lit from the terrace watching me, and am so sure he grins too.
    Che. marriage is such a crazy deal. But I haven’t given up. Today, i’ve left the wet towels, 4 baskets full of dirty clothes and a bathroom floor full of his pyjamas, scattered all around the house. when he comes home, he’ll know what it means to live in a clean, perfect home. grrrrrrr. LOVED LOVED LOVED the way you’ve written the post. And hope OA makes up for it. may be u should pass on his numbers to us..we’ll remind him via SMSes 😉 of the chores!

    Me: you know – I always wonder why WE leave the house. Why dont they ever leave? What gives them this sense of entitlement and what pushes us out the door?

    I’d give you his number but I just dont have the heart to burden another poor wife with not only her husband’s irresponsibilities but mine too!

  20. Hi MM,
    You were right in storming off the room like that but please be careful, one hears so many ghastly stories these days about things being done to women on the streets. We certainly do not want our dear MM to be harmed in any sort of way.
    You should blog about whatever you want. I cannot understand trolls, they get to read, they get to comment now they want a say in the topics being written too. This is not a public forum, it is your private blog. How I wish people refrained from getting personal and enjoyed what is in front of them, if not, just go somewhere else, as simple as that.
    I hope you and OA quickly resolve this issue and kiss and make-up. Cant really see you being angry with him for so long.
    TC and “shant bheem shant”.

  21. delurking.. ive been following your blog regularly for several weeks now. Totally love your honest, sensible, balanced view point.

    Me: LOL! 🙂 honest, sensible and balanced. do you know how often I’ve been accused of being the opposite? thank you!

    About this post, it is a catch 22 situation isnt it? You either end up doing the chore or being a nag – hate the fact that there is no easy way out. And it is so unfair.

    NYTimes had an article on ‘spousal deafness’ a while back.

    I think making fun of this situation with the spouse, before it gets out of hand has helped me sometimes but not always..

  22. Hi MM,

    I do this all the time here in Singapore( once at 2am also), and the husband somehow follows me. I get so scared when I walk alone in the nights(all those feelings that you described….I was wondering if you are describing my feelings at that time) and makes me even more angrier at the husband for putting me in that position !!! But most of the times the husband managed to follow me discreetly…thank God for that. Now that I have a 6 month son I feel that its not so difficult to just leave him at home….kids definitely make some things worse for us. Anyways, you have patched up now and praying that God enlighten all these men soon !! 🙂

  23. Gosh this was so like my life. Hubby ‘pitches in’ plenty, but never gets it right. and I wonder if I’m controlling. Every second morning there’s a big blow-up. Because he’s pitching in, in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s loading the washing machine when the school van is arriving and he’s supposed to be polishing their school shoes. Then he wants to know why I explode. Why indeed?

    Me: ARGH! Yes! Timing, dude, timing. Its all in the timing. Maybe we ARE controlling you know 😦

    I walked out too last month, coz I wanted to say such hurtful things to him, but I ended up sitting on the building steps out of sight, feeling very foolish. we really can’t walk the streets in a rage. Easy targets yes. as for sheer tops and ‘sexy’ nightwear, I’ve given up wearing them, coz that’s the morning the maid or the ogling istriwala/doodhwala/watchman comes early, and suddenly nobody else wants to open the door and my dressing gown is nowhere to be found.

    Am ashamed to say I do hit out about the taboo topics when I’m in a rage. Wonder why I don’t bring them up when things are hunky-dory? Because…he doesn’t hear me unless I’m yelling it red-faced, that’s why:(

  24. Hugs MM!

    Don’t bother about them trolls.. really. it doesn’t matter what THEY think!

    I’ve never walked out of the house after a fight…
    I usually walk out of the room…
    But, a good strong cup of coffee always helps in calming me down 🙂

    Hope everything gets back to being normal soon! hugs!!

  25. Agree. Totally!

    With another one on the way, everytime I blow up, my husband conveniently blames my hormones for it.

    As a rule he is not supposed to say I am nagging but when he just wants me not to tell a simple thing for ‘just’ the 3rd time, he says “Stop nagging Sowmya. You’ve become such a nagging wife. You werent like this before we got married yaar!” and thats it. Two ‘nagging’s in a row and I lose it.

    But I have to give it to you. We shamelessly fight in front of the entire household (daughter, in-laws, maid). I cry, he calls me a drama queen, I cry more, he storms out for a smoke, beer et al. Hours, days later (one fight took 2 days), he apologises (most times) and I cry again and ‘forgive’ him. Big drama my life is 🙂

  26. Why do men behave that way, do you think? I read about so many husbands not pulling their fair weight about the house. Fortunately, the Guy’s always done at least his fair share. But it makes me wonder, why are other men not like him? Do you think it’s the way they’re brought up, or something else?

    Me: well if you see the comments, there are other women who are not into it too. its not the upbringing or genetics alone i think…
    the OA has no issues with doing work. it just seems to slip his mind …. and i read a piece of research on it too. my point is, if you know you are forgetful, whynt you damn well make a note on your BB?

  27. Hey, for some reason, a post called “The Men in Blue” showed up in my Reader, but not on your blog. What to do? *puzzled look*

    Me: I had it scheduled for last night, but then I got mad and posted this one 😀 but that one popped up on time (I’d forgotten about it) and I had to take it down

  28. You are so right..you keep telling them and telling them and telling them..and they just dont even react…Its so frustrating..and then I get so bugged that I end up doing the chores and then he comes to me and tells me why did you do it..dont you have patience…Patience till the earth splits or something..heheheh 🙂

  29. Watha… look at all the commenters jumping on the menfolk!

    When I fight with women I’m involved with, I rarely feel angry… usually only sad/upset. Wonder if that changes in Marriagehood.

    Me: well honey we hope you’ll be a better husband than most!

  30. I think next time you could feed in a reminder on his blackberry. Or have you already tried that?

    I sometimes feel the things we ask them to do – they don’t think they are important. Why – because it is only us who have asked.

    I wonder if it is an incorrigible trait.

  31. hmm this could have been me too, once i barged out of the house in rage, went ahead and got my long hair chop..chop and got it coloured a drastic burgundy… It did not change him though.. I only managed to get my hair damaged . Your right these are the things which leads to the famous ‘wife nagging’. take care. Rekha

  32. I can relate to every bit of this incident. First 2 years of marriage were high raised voices, angry words and random things broken in the house. With 2 kids i have learnt to keep my mouth shut. As you rightly said in one of the comments, if you let them get away you will end up and their S***. I just dont know how to get out of this crap..walk away may be…wish i could…. :sigh

  33. I am just begining to learn to shut up after I have made my point and not wander into or entertain wandering into the past, his or mine because then its a long long night. And the worst is I have a child who believes I am always scolding her father 😦

  34. A sound proof room to fight is a great idea. I hate fighting in front of the kids because it upsets them so much – not the mild sarcastic stuff but the real ‘I’m mad and angry’ things.

    I hit below the belt too and get ashamed of it. It’s just defensiveness that does it, when he’s right I get more upset 🙂

    Go on then forgive him, and kiss and makeup. The weekend’s here girl, and as well all know make-up sex is the best sex ever :p

    Me: True. It’s not like I don’t go dangerously close to below the belt topics, but atleast I do it when I am right :p As for makeup sex – you couldnt be righter 🙂

  35. I haven’t even read the post completely, but I can’t hold off any more. So here it is: IT’S THE SAME FREAKIN’ STORY HERE!!
    It is a huge burden to remember everything to be done and remind the partner a thousand times about his chores, and never see a hint of initiative. Gah!
    Now let me go read the remainder of the post.

  36. Hey…or should I begin with ‘Oh my God’! Whenever the husband and I have a fight he ends up saying ‘the two of us are so different’ and I say ‘No the difference is that you are a man and I, a woman’. Your post and the comments only vindicate my statement (though as I tell him I knew I was right!!). I too walked out (I bet you are going to see this in many more comments). The only difference was that it was day-time and I had ‘planned’ to go out for half a day and came back in 45 mins because…only because I had left the two year old behind…Children do make a difference…sigh!

  37. And, phew! I sometimes go for a walk in our safe neighborhood, or ride my bike to wherever I wish. Of course, making sure the area is well-lit, at least. But, yes, the alertness is always there, and that doesn’t help to cool off easily.

  38. Yesterday was the day when I wished I could just run off to some damn place in this world. Away from everything!!!

    I somehow ended up sobbing reading this..been there done that before. But yesterday was the night when I had high fever, both the kids were with me and wailing in the middle of the night around 2:00 am. My husband had gone away for an interview in a diff town….and I have office next day and I don’t want to be late in these economic times.

    I was this close to breakdown. How do you handle everything??

    Sorry if this strayed from topic.

    Me: well i do have a full time maid at all times since I started work. Its rare to not have a maid in the house. That said, if the kids are sick, they’re with me. If I am sick, I dont go near them and leave them with the maid because I dont want to pass on the germs. But yes – I am also very often, a hair’s breadth away from a breakdown!

  39. its such a reassurance to read your post 🙂
    that we’re “normal”. that this happens in “every” household. that i’m not the only wife who feels this way…

    does anyone have a solution to this?!?!
    is there no magic pill that will make them more responsible and responsive about the houes?!?

  40. What kills me the most is that I have ended up getting this “Monica” image now, even amongst family and old friends… hey, I was totally a chilled out and cool person too, but SOMEBODY’s gotta do stuff right… and if i dont nag, it doesnt get done, or i have to do everything which irks at my self-esteem.

    Me: thats the thing. we were all relaxed women till we got homes because our mothers were handling things. You move in with a man and you realise that either you can keep things afloat or live in a pigsty and eat take out everyday. I guess that is why they say a woman makes a home.

    Why do I be the Monica while the husbands gets away with being the cool dude, who doesnt even mind getting nagged and doing stuff (yea SOMETIMES buddy, that too at the umpteenth reminder).

    Makes me see Bleddy Red everytime. Why can’t I be cool for once and put up my feel and let the house go to hell, and YOU do the chasing and all stuff? Why do I have to remember that the detergent is over, and the toothpaste will only last for 5 days?


    hey, this post made you come across as HUMAN, than a supermom! 🙂

    Me: do i?! I dont mean to. I just tend to write about the stuff that touches me and I WANT to remember. Who wants to blog about all their problems and keep the memories alive? 🙂

  41. You know what bugs me, its nt about doing their part of the chores, its the thanklessness of it.. They think its written in the marriage contract, that we will clean up after them..

    As for the husband, he somehow manages to remember my part of the work, but not his!!

  42. wow! for some 8 odd yrs i have dealt with this hitting below the belt bit!
    once a taboo topic is touched- u fight and forget and move on and the next time he is pissed the only way to get back is stoop a little lower and it will progressively get worse. i didn’t know at all how to deal with it and i walked out. u tell me how u handle this!! hopefully the next time around ill know how to handle it.

    i am all for forgiving, just that this time i chose not to allow myself to be in that position anymore!

    Me: i just try and keep issues separate. i’m not always successful but I am working on it. And I have to have that chat with him too. the thing with love is you entrust that person with knowledge they can use to hurt you – hoping that they will never use it. if they use it, they dont deserve you… .

  43. not taking anyone’s side but… next time try not to go for walk, alone, at night in your city. please.

    get angry and throw HIM out of the house. and make him do the chores when you are calm enough to let him back.

    Me: *pleads* go on Sur, take my side na. please!

  44. i can remember thinking of going out of the house for a walk after our fights, but never had the guts to really do that…. even in the house i could think what if someone came from behind…lol

    on a seperate note – the only couple who can stay without fighting is the superhuman couple. they fight only once in 16 years – remember honeymoon travels….

  45. Your going to laugh but this is what I do at work (At home, we both remind each other).

    I have to tell people every other day – your supposed to call this clien, follow up on tht bill, send out that document, research on that matter, who’s going where tomorrow etc. I find myself writing other people’s stuff on my to-do list. If I’m away for a week, i send out a mail to everyone telling them what all has to be done while I’m away.

    And when i do such things, they laugh and tell me they should pay me for being their perosnal secretary etc. and think its a big joke. This time I decided not to mollycoddle them and went off for a week without telling ayone anything. I got calls everyday asking who had to go where, who had to do what, which clerk had to be pulled up and which files were misplaced and sitting in Cal I ended up coordinaing stuff.

  46. Can understand how you feel MM. I tell ya been there done similar things, but why do you need to leave the house alone in the night.
    I do have a TODO list and keep ticking and rejoicing over all things that get done. But the beloved soul takes his time to remember and get things done.

  47. Come to Mamma!
    I laughed reading about bringing your mind back to focus on the scum-ness. Happens all the time with me. I think its called ‘love’.

  48. re: “and for poor old middleclass me,”

    ek mayan may do talwar nahee ho saktey…and ek blog circle may do middle class aspirations waley nahee hosaktey. Im pretty territorial about my perch OK, grrrrr.
    I think meree nazar lag gayee to the Mad Momma parivar?

  49. i think i am the OA in our shaadi! sorry if it puts the whole gender thing outta gear! :p

    or maybe its just an exception.

    and i know its after lot of these forgotten things does M lose his temper! so i totally get ya even from other side of the fence! 🙂


  50. we all need to be in the doghouse once in a while… but next time, don’t walk, go for a drive.
    BTW, Can I say, I was one of the 7 who read your rants and raves way back then?

  51. hey this is so normal in a healthy marriage..i hope you guys made peace but i do have to tell you to be careful the next time around..think before you walk out in the night like you did…its an unsafe, unsecure world out there…i totally agree with sur…throw HIM out instead!

  52. Echoing Sur:’try not to go for walk, alone, at night in your city. please.’

    The risks are just too high. Walk in your drive way if you must.

  53. O hai!

    First of all, a whole post for moi? Wheeeee! I should reciprocate no? Will, will.

    Secondly, I love the fact that almost all the comments are re-inforcing the concept that women do all the work and they storm out when the men don’t. Umm, please to realise that there are like mar mar ke five men commenting here, so it’s a little closed circuit loop.

    Me: shoo. scat. stop pointing out flaws in our theory 😀

    So, it’s not like men don’t storm out when angry with spouses/family/friends. It’s either that or give in to the urge of punching a wall really hard. Which will only go to reinforce the view that men that neanderthal rage-zones, and cannot be trusted beyond a point. Automatic fail.

    Also, I admit it’s a guy thing to not do too much housework (and not just in countries where there is house-help). But hey – the effect of thousands of generations of patriarchy is a little difficult to overthrow, no?

    Also, Indian men are pampered brats. You have to nag – there’s no other way out.

    Me: You ray of sunshine and hope, you!

  54. A piece of advice, if I may – never leave any taboo topics……un-taboo-ed.
    Send the kids off to the g’parents, give the help the weekend off and just tear into each other, even if it means leaving a couple of permanent scars.
    This is assuming, you both meant the ’till death do us part’ part.

  55. don’t waste time fighting.
    it is time away from kissing.

    time is ticking.
    tick tock tick tock.

    it hurts
    kiss it away

    Me: and I got poetry! how can I fight with him after this? !

  56. Hey, no more walking alone at nights, ok? If you really need to clear the air, ask OA to go for a walk. He’ll be safer than you out. OK? Ok.

    Me: arrey – but if I get mugged/raped/murdered – then he will learn his lesson na?! Geez. does no one appreciate my twisted logic?

  57. Ahh… I see this in my bro too! We need to grease the chain of our “jhula” at home. I told him to buy grease THREE weeks ago. And yes, you guessed it, it’s still not come and our jhula still creaks, moans and groans everytime we swing! It irritates me so much!

    I was going to give in and oil it, with normal parachute coconut oil, but my bro stopped me and said “wait! I’ll buy grease. Why do you want to oil it?” That was 1 week ago. *sigh*

  58. Wouldn’t you love ot have a universal system of a paycheck, promotions, year end evaluation etc. That will straighten up MEN at home too 😉

  59. Added: But, I have made sure to warn my “guy” that I expect him to pitch in with the house work when we are married and he’s agreed. Not sure whether this agreement will continue after marriage, but at least I’ve let him know how things stand.

    Me: oh – let me make it very clear that the OA WANTS to do work. or so he says. our duties are divided up. he’s never said no. and even when i remind him, he eagerly says yes, yes.. i shall get to it. but that never happens 😦

  60. LOL….seems like the Y-chromosome had better know its place by now! I’m almost scared to admit that L pulls his fair share and more, and that without reminders! He does need to have entries on his calendar to remember…
    Not that you’re not justified in your angst – managing a home with its million details is a huge pain, without partners doing equitable work.


  61. gharo ghari matichya chuli – its the same in every household. 🙂

    The cleanliness threshold is a lot lower in the husband and that’s why the sense of urgency to get something done is missing. By the time it gets to his level, it’s downright disgusting! So I end up doing the chore!

    And with TV to watch and kids to play with, who has any kind of to-do lists on their mind. Especially, when they are selectively deaf!

    About the walk out, next time take an auto or drive please. We don’t want the pretty lady alone on the streets at night.

    I do the “I won’t utter another word” bit too and I end up getting angrier and he is still the cool cutlet! Which gets me worked up even more. So, kiss and make up! Its good for your health.

  62. I am supporting him coz am just like him though am single…my mom has been nagging me for a month now to get something done…but I havent…:P So over the last couple of days when I call home its not her answering the call (which is the case usually) but my dad…:D

    Me: sigh. your poor wife (to be)

  63. Of 100 bad things men say, they don’t mean at least 110 of them! I can vouch for it……we just don’t mean that yaar….

    Secondly, we take our respective wife’s for granted…….our belief and confidence in their abilities adds up to more than 100%; many notches higher than what we have on our own abilities…..

    Last but not the least, we believe in every such study or theory that proves that women are much stronger than their male counterparts in any which way…..

    Trust me these three reasons are universal and defines a man’s relationship with his woman!

  64. Have you ever walked out into the pouring rain after a fight?

    It’s curiously calming. *sigh.

    Hope you guys make up soon, and then we’ll share tips on email about how to make our men less forgetful and more hardworking.

    Me: I’m waiting for that call 🙂 and somehow I can totally imagine you doing that!

  65. My point is irritate hoke kyaa faidha…instead of nagging someone to get something done and that person doing it half heartedly which in turn would irritate you all the more you might as well get it done yourself! Though I do not know how this equation changes when it comes to relationships!

    Me: achcha? very easy to say na! saara ghar ka kaam main hi karoon? typical man!

  66. Don’t you go gallivating into the night ever again, ok? Had to delurk to tell you this coz I don’t want you to traipse into danger.

    me: but, but, but… you’re not a lurker!!!! you’re me pal!

    Yeah, per your logic, if you get murdered, the OA will learn his lesson, but you’ll not be there to gloat over it. Get it? And them babies – you’d miss out on being a part of their lives – that’s too high a price to pay just to teach the OA a lesson, don’t you think?

    It’s very difficut to get a human being to change their ways – nothing short of earth-shattering usually brings about a radical change in an adult. Obviously, it’s highly unfair for the other partner (husband or wife) who gets to bear the brunt of the other’s forgetfulness, laziness, or apathy – but hey! whoever said life was fair? Marriage that has its roots in love means accepting the spouse as who they are, including all their flaws, even though the flaws seem to reach ceiling high :p

  67. Been lurking mostly of late. Not been bloghopping much and when I do, I usually lurk and don’t comment 🙂

    Me: thassokay. i know you’re always around. i dont need you to comment – although its nice. even if it is to tell me off!

  68. Thats what I would do at least. I should have added that! Aur jab aap ek relationship me ho kisi aur se (especially when it marriage) y r u seperating it out as mera kaam uska kaam! 😛

    Me: *throws a belan at V* oye – I’ve married him, not adopted him!! He better split the work or it will be ‘hamara’ divorce!

  69. Lol! I know you’re very impulsive and impulsive actions, specially after a fight, can lead to danger. First-hand experiences – will tell you some time.
    But I swear these men know exactly what to do to drive you around the bend and it’s really an exercise in self control to keep from exploding.

  70. he he he…relax mad momma.You need not get mad at me. I was just fooling around. Anyways hope things are better now and you guys r having a nice weekend!

    Me: 🙂 I know. now give back my belan!

  71. The sound proof room is what we need … one of my TOP requirements in my next house hunt.
    You know whats worse … after nagging several times once the work gets done it is shared with everyone as if it everyday routine … like for eg: BP does the dishes say once in a week / 10 days and that day HAS to coincide with a call to his mom where he HAS to mention about the dishes he did. Arghhhhhhh …

  72. MM, We are both naggers here. I nag him about chores and such like and he nags me about finances and stuff like that which I admit I’m very lax about. A common task list with separate columns for each of us has helped us a lot. Also dividing the same chore has helped us. Like when cleaning the bathroom – if I scrub the bathtub the same time he scrubs the stall shower, there is a feeling of teamwork(!) and we actually get time to talk during the chore and we wrap up faster. Of course that’s on a good day.. sigh!

  73. I am in denial. I thought I was the only one with the adiyal husband! He’s gotten better over the years…he will atleast do dishes and nag me over laundry! But he has the attention span of a child. If the TV is on forget about it…and then if I say something he’ll be a stubborn ass till the cows come home! I’ve walked out twice so far. Both times I was more annoyed he didn’t go looking for me like a lovestruck romeo. Such arrogant confidence that the girl will always return! ARGH

    Me: gosh yes – if the TV is on I can lie bleeding on the floor and he wont notice. although when we were newly weds he’d take the car and roam the streets hunting for me. this time he saw me take the ATM card and phone (even I am wisening up!) and he didnt bother.

  74. Most of the times I dont have this problem as hubby is more organised than me but sometimes when I have asked him to do something he has goofed up! And if he ever forgets to do some chore,I usually wait for him to come home and then do it in front him with big sighs and lots of drama….ofcourse by blocking his view of the TV 🙂 I have not walked off in the night cos I am phattu that way but I am pretty sure hubby will not come looking for me!

  75. julia roberts to dermot mulroney in my best friend’s wedding – looove that line, along with the jello-creme brulee analogy 🙂

    i love the fact that you write whatever pops into your head and what’s going on in your life…it’s what makes this blog such fun!

  76. After being the butt of too many ‘nagging wife’ jokes, i totally forced myself not to nag ONCE teh whole last month – the result? Additional mark-up for the installments I usually nag to pay in time.

  77. my dushman number one is internet.and to say that he earns his living through this is not ironic.he spends five days a week on computer all day and than when weekend arrives he can sit again for the whole f§%&ing day.argh i hate it and we have fights over it almost every weekend.

  78. I am not married but am guessing after eight years of marriage the threat,
    “Not tonight Honey! I have an extended headache…”
    doesnt really work eh ? 😛

    me: ROFL. Why would one do that?! After putting up with their forgetfulness all day we deserve to lie back and be taken care of! Sorry darling – that was the old school of wives

  79. Aiyyo I have done the whole walking out bit. It does calm me down..after I fin. foaming at the mouth abt the fact that he didnt come behind me.Sigh.

    But yes to reiterate what the wise folks above me have said – must.not.go.out.alone.in.the.dark.No matter what the provocation. Nothing is worth it.

  80. I drive. And as I drive, listening to amazing songs, I fantasise about the lovely men I know who would probably have come after me filmy car chase ishtyle (after ten years? right? Am not deluded for nothing) and I also think about the bad things I could do to make him jealous;-) – and more appreciative.

    And then I remember that he’s not the jealous kind and I’m not that kind of girl (I CURSE MY FOLKS) and so I do the next best thing.

    I come home and tell him he’s a dipshit. Scumbag dipshit. Normally by then he concurs. The end.

  81. Ah well, I’m sure this is ghar ghar ki kahani..had the same complaints with my husband when I got married. Since we moved out of the country, things have become radicaly better. I guess it has finally dawned upon him that a well oiled household doesnt run by magic and plus here we have to do everything ourselves. Once you get used to doing chores ,you don’t mind doing some more I guess.But yes, I feel your angst.

    Forget it. Kiss and makeup 🙂

  82. MM,

    Did you see the no. of comments? You put up everyone’s story there. Just the other day my husband and I had a severe fight on all these ” household” issues and he said – no wives are like you all the time fussy and nagging on chores! I’m having the last laugh – need to direct him here especially to all the comments.

    The sole reason for our fights is his ignorance to the daily work to be done. It is never done on his own but only after I remind him. Almost 5 years and I get the same response – why don’t you tell me? And I ask – Why can’t you simply remember – it’s a daily thing. What’s the point if I have to remember for you as well!

    I’ve still not given up but looks like my tolerance levels will cave in! It’s a gender problem isn’t it?

    Sigh, it makes me wonder why is it so difficult to ignore this aspect despite all the love that exists between us! And he keeps complaining I crib too much!

  83. me: ROFL. Why would one do that?! After putting up with their forgetfulness all day we deserve to lie back and be taken care of! Sorry darling – that was the old school of wives

    Wait let me get this straight …hubby dear is forgetful and doesn’t do his share of the chores and your way of “punishing” him is to lie back and “let him pamper you”?:P:P

    Yup that will teach him ( us?) men folk a lesson alright 😛

    This marriage deal sounds cool! sign me up already…

    Me: of course. a reward for him would be him lying back and being pampered 😀 different strokes for different folks dude

  84. MM, first up,we come to your blog not bcs ur life is enchanted or otherwise, but bcs u write really really well, and bcs the nice things that u share make us smile too.. what with everyone else sharing only bad news (newspapers included), we need someone sharing good thngs happening! 🙂

    Two.. i used to do exactly that.. walk out, drive, park in lonely spots and just think (i’d keep the car locked of course)

    Thats also why i insisted on having a car that was MINE.. always.. yes, its as extreme as that.. and yes, it does change after the baby, but there are days like this.. always..

  85. Ok am still lost…you do get the double entendre in
    “Not tonight Honey! I have an extended headache…”

    right? :p If we are on the same page then your response takes on a whole different meaning.. :p
    But quite we are a family blog so yeah…:)

    Then again I am the type who think it’s cheaper to hire a maid ( or a pool boy depending on your predilection ) to get the household chores done than to get married. I would gladly pitch in but in so far my efforts have been tactlessly repudiated by the women folk in my life :p

    Me: ROFL. child – of COURSE we’re on the same page! But you’re right, it IS a family blog so…

    And jokes aside – I recommend marriage highly. pool boy cracks are all very well, but with the right person – its a blast.

  86. This rings a bell to me as well. These days my husband has a new stance. If ask him something and then remind him in couple of days, he uses it as an excuse. He will say I am constantly asking and that puts him off.

    There have been some fights when I feel like we are at a standstill and just have to go out for fresh breath.

  87. I wish you two patch up soon and never fight so seriously again. But then how will we have such interesting posts, so so very close to our own life?? Selfish me na??!!

    I had similar exp of fighting at late night and walking out. I was really upset, disturbed and uncomfi with his family. Later I realized that I was pregy when I fought and cried my heart out. I hope my lil one has mom’s all urge and intesity, and with us together his dad can’t just pretend to be innocent if at all he is trying to be so!!

  88. One truism I have learnt in life is that always take with a pinch of NACL whatever advice someone , who is already on the other side of the fence, gives when it comes to “love” and “marriage” :P:P
    Nah am kidding..am all for marriage. Nothing against it per se. I dont “believe” in marriage ( social contract yada yada ) but believe in “relationships” ( or the idea of it atleast. Though life is inherently meaningless ,if it is at all worth living, it is for love ( or the idea of it )). And heck I even believe in that corny quote about marriage from “Shall We Dance” so there..:)

    “Child” ?:P Really? There isnt that much of an age difference between us but if that makes you feel young , who am I to cavil at? 🙂

    Me: ooh – jaded youth!! :p
    and child – oh well, thats just the inherent mommy in me. somedays i accidentally call the OA ‘beta’ and it pisses him off more than anything else!

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