Dear Bratlet and Beanlet,
We just got back from dinner – a short drive from home and both of you insisted on sitting in my lap so I held on to you for dear life while we sang loudly and counted red cars.
I just want to tell you that these moments are precious to me. This being-in-the-car thing. It’s silly but it means so much to me. I felt it the first time when I brought you back to Chennai, Brat, and Dada and the two of us were out somewhere.
I love your father’s driving. He’s capable and energetic and safe – and I am very happy to sit back and enjoy the drive. And as I sat there holding you in my arms I knew you were safe too. In your mother’s arms and with your father driving.
And now as I enjoy holding the two of you close – your heads under my chin, one, a mop of unruly curls and the other, a silky smooth cap, a bigger, sturdy body and a smaller, delicate one, I squeeze you tight and can’t believe my good fortune. My dream come true, my little babies, my little girl and boy, excited voices chattering as you look out the window, pointing to the moon here, a plane there, a crane there – unaware that mama is thinking senti thoughts, her eyes misty, holding on to silly, precious, ephemeral, evanescent, fleeting moments. Because what’s the big deal with holding two babies on a bum knee for a short ride home?
You won’t get it. You may never get it. But it doesn’t matter. I just want to thank you for giving me that moment without even trying. For letting me know what it is to have my arms and my heart full at the same time.
I feel it at home when we pile on to the bed for a Sunday afternoon nap in the semi dark, cool bedroom. I feel it more keenly in the car. Perhaps it’s the confined space. The four of us sometimes lost in our own thoughts, at other times looking out of the window, singing songs, chatting, scolding, having fun, as we drive on to a destination. I feel so happy to have my world and all that is important to me, right there, within that 4 foot by 7 foot space. That if I were to die right then, I’d die happy, with my world around me.
I don’t know what the protocol is with your own spawn, but I thank you again, for making me so happy, proud and content. Maybe I am a non-achiever whose biggest achievement in life is procreating! So be it. In you I find more peace than I thought I ever could and in these car rides I find completeness like nothing before.
I love you,