I’ll be okay

She curls into the warmth of his chest like a puppy dog. Rubbing her soft baby cheeks against his stubble. Her soft hands pat his cheeks. She strokes his face gently, looking deep into his eyes.

He… He can do nothing. He’s in love. Every little thing she does is magic.

I watch, as an outsider. And then I beg. Give me a kiss, Bean.

No. She says defiantly. I kiss dada olly (only). And she plants a gentle kiss on his cheek.

He looks happier if that’s possible. Blissful actually.

Come on, I beg. Please give mama a kiss. I love you.

No. Stoutly. Another kiss planted on Dada’s rough cheeks. Soft hands caress his face. And she tucks her tiny self under his chin, and rests on the strong shoulders that once were my refuge. She’s taken them over. Little squatter.

I give up. And choose to enjoy the tableau instead.

And find my peace in the knowledge that despite all this love that I am not part of – there were 9 months that only I knew her. She was my own. Not a secret. Yet, mine to hold close and deep within. That he might have all her love today. But I had all of her for a long long time. Iss okay…

Really…. I’ll be okay. No, I’m not crying.

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33 thoughts on “I’ll be okay

  1. awww… but i really feel sooo jealous when my son keeps on chanting “papa papa” the entire day while i am the one dealing with all his poops and pees and his mood swings. hmmm i guess father’s are lucky that ways… sigh

  2. That is not the case….rather kids behave that way because they consider their moms to be an inseparaable part…something of their own….while dads are like visitors…who comes back every evening to leave next morning……working mothers don;t fall in that category simply due to the connection/bond they manage to develop during their maternity leaves…..this reminds me of my dad’s words which he said to me once while he used to come to Dehradun every weekend to meet me-“Reveda, dont think I am a weekend uncle…I am your dad”…….you know since he knew that my mom will go back to Dehradun for sometime, he started a blog for me and that became his tool to connect with me…

  3. hmmmmm i really would love to see p with a kid. but that means i’d have to get my act together and produce one. ugh. i am not sure if am ready for that though.

  4. somehow…i used to do a google search for “Bean Brat and Bedlam” i used to land up on that blog and then from thr land on this one…but when I searched for it sometime on Sunday it said that the blog was protected and secured and only if I had the privilege to view it cud i…so I was wondering on how to land up here and had to take a different route…u almost cut me off…:D

  5. yes, mothers are the daily business, they get things done, its ‘papa’ kids fall in love with.

    and how did i deal with this? i imitate my kids ‘papaa’ when i want to be affectionate to hubby.

  6. no dont say that 😦 i have always wanted a girl, but everytime i read what you write about OA and the Bean, i start rethinking… i want our kid to love me more .. i know thats selfish, but whoever denied being selfish

  7. My mum tells me that I didn’t ever ask for her when i was young. Even as an infant. I always wanted my Papa. Even if all he did was tell me the same “Thirsty Crow” story, in the same style, every single day. It didn’t make a difference to me! I even wanted Papa to put me to sleep, or sing to me.

    It’s that special bond that girls share with their dads, I guess!!

  8. this is so true…..but i still feel jealous when she goes ga ga over her Ba…i feel so strange …my husband always wanted a son so that he cud play cricket with him….now daughter and Ba are inseparable…

  9. I wonder if it’s true that there is a special attachment between a daughter and a father?

    I have always seen it and felt it, but all moms of older kids say once they become old, they again become closer to their moms.

  10. πŸ™‚

    oh am sure our mothers have wistfully sighed and said I’ll be okay too!

    daddys and girls just know how to make each other feel special! and i think nothing can ever change that!

    cheers!

  11. ps: and oh! if it makes you feel any better, i lost Cubby to his papa ages ago. and now that he is traveling the grand pa has the shifted loyalties! sigh!

  12. Loved reading this. You are so open about your vulnerabilities.

    Well, like so many mothers have commented on this post, i guess the bonding is a common phenomenon with fathers and children. Brat and bean will have a different kind of bonding with you. You are you, and they want you too πŸ™‚

  13. Hey, I am sure you are enjoying the fact that tiny bits of you in the form of your kids are showering affection on someone you love so much yourself πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  14. My son is 4 and daughter 3. She cuddles up to her Dad just like yours. I sigh, feel intensely jealous of the affection she shows towards him and vice versa. But then revel in the affection they show towards each other! Such is motherhood…

  15. Hey nice song! Not like the, er, ethnic stuff you sometimes link to. *Stiffens upper lip*

    Me: *shakes head in sorrow at the sad lack of culture. :p *

  16. MM, could this pre-Beanie-Birthday blues hitting you? Kids b’days are tough:-(I have regular little meltdowns before they come around.

    Hugs anyway!

    Me: could well be 😦

  17. Accept my deep sympathies! You know, I wish atleast one of my kids was so interested in their baba as the bean. Both my children still cling to me and barely tolerate the Mr as someone who I am very much attached to for some mysterious reason. I cannot even go to the loo in peace without the mite banging at the door every two seconds! If I happen to lie down both the kids dive onto my abdomen and try frantically to reenter my tummy by burrowing into it! I don’t have a moment of peace untill either I or the kids pass out at night! I have to go on talking with them. Even now I am carrying on a conversation with the mite and writing at the same time! Ah well the grass always looks greener….

    Me: they do that when i get back from office. but that lasts all of ten minutes. the brat is still all mine.

  18. I very well understand what you mean MM. My 8 month old daughter’s cutest smiles are for her father (though she does giggle heartily with me) and she drinks her whole bottle/eats her cereal without any fussiness when he is around and talking to her. She keeps looking at him as if she is in awe of him, just can’t help being so very envious of him πŸ™‚ But then I think I am also my father’s daughter and probably this is how my mom feels too.

  19. For a moment I thought it is me. I mean MM is me because just recently I said the very same thing to someone else. I was almost misty eyed because my Peanut chose her dada over me. I mean she loves us both but the irritating mother that I am forced her to choose and she chose her dad. *shocked* *betrayed* and I don’t even have a boy to take my side.

    Same gender doesn’t help. I am outnumbered in my house because my little Peanut sides with her dad. Can you share that song with me ? *wipes tears*

    Me: *hands Solilo one ear phone from her iPod, puts an arm around her, hands her a tissue and a cup of tea… and both sob over little ungrateful daughters!*

  20. awww…father daughter bond..:)
    feel lil sorry for you..its okay..they come right back when they need mamma…like I told Solilo..daddy’s lil girl (or boy:))
    but mamma will always be the confidante:)you’ll see…
    ((hugs))

    PS Solilo can so identify with this..:)hope she sees it:)

  21. No, it’s not OK. It’s breaking my heart.

    Me: well wait till you have a daughter. she’ll be a bigger traitor. the V is a hard to resist father you know.. big higs anyway…

  22. Pingback: Happy Birthday my Darling Bean « The Mad Momma

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