Is it more attractive?

I don’t cook. Fortunately I live in a country where cooks are easily available. Better cooks than me. And I can devote my time and energy to earning money to pay them. The only time I’m willing to cook is when the Brat looks up at me with his beautiful brown eyes and asks for cake. Or pasta. Or egg rice.

Its ironic that the OA married me because he’s a foodie. I often ask him how he married me despite knowing fully well that there are days I am capable of burning water. He smiles and says he was too smitten to care. Does he care now? Nope, he says stoutly. Nothing much has changed. He still loves me for all the many other things I bring to the table – none of them being food!

So being a woman, naturally I must complicate life more by asking him – Would he love me more if I could cook? Or lets say, if I were a better cook. Wouldn’t that be an added accomplishment?

(At this point I must make a disclosure – I have over the years begun to cook fairly well but I still hate it. I’d rather attend to my garden, do the laundry or some sewing if I have to pick from household chores.)

The OA has learned to turn this around and ask me if I would love him more if he were richer. After all we started life with a mattress on the floor and our TV on a carton at a point when there were no guarantees that he would make much money. But just like my improved cooking, – today the mattress is no longer on the floor and there is more than one TV and none of them on cartons. But we’re still not really raking it in.

So in case you’re wondering where this is going – here’s the question. In the good old days, the woman’s job was to cook and the man’s job was to earn. Today both sexes are capable of doing both, equally well. So – would you love your significant other more, if they did the traditional thing better? Would you love your wife anymore if she cooked better? Would you possibly love your husband more than you do, if he were much richer? Would it make you happier? Would he/ she be more attractive to you?

And no emotional answers. Think it through, please. Anyone remember this very conversation in the Love Story? I’ll give you my answer after I see all yours…

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63 thoughts on “Is it more attractive?

  1. I am not married and neither do I have a girlfriend…but to be honest I would just like the person I love be herself…cook or not a great cook, food junkie or not..i do not care…but the one thing I hate is pretenders…they irritate me a lot!

  2. Well, if my significant other were not rich, I dont think I would love him less. If he earned less than me, I dont think I would love him less. But if he had lesser ambition, then maybe I would lose a little respect, maybe love too.

    If I didnt cook all that well, I dont know if I would be less loved but I might tend to be self critical. Virgoan that I am…

    I think somewhere deep down, inspite of women working and men who cook being considered attractive and all that, personally I still cling a bit to the stereotype and like it too:):)

  3. Anyone who is on a quest will never shirk from admitting that yes, she wants to become a nicer person. So I wouldn’t mind admitting that I would be happier in life if I could share a (real) bank account with hubby. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out financially.
    But I do understand why he keeps his money locked up in FD’s and other useless things.

    Anyway, I was brought up with some clarity regarding money. If you want it, make it. But I never felt optimistic enough to buy a lottery ticket. So I did the next best thing. I have written a novel,’A Grasshopper’s Pilgrimage’, people please buy it and make me rich. I promise to be happy, and happily married, both.

    Me: tell us the moment its out and we’ll be off to contribute to your piggy bank. I for one am really looking forward to it.

  4. no. we also married 250sq home home with matress and no TV and a rickety 2 – in -1. and i think i love and respect M more because he goes beyond his traditional roles and is an equal partner in truest sense of the term.

    yet would i have been as happy if we still had same amount of money? and mouting expenses? no. but i feel blessed to be a place where we never imagined to be 4yrs ago and though its not half as much as our friends, its a lot more than we ever dreamt of! πŸ™‚

    and just money and different kinda M, wont have survived!

    cheers!

  5. I am a silent admirer of your space……Like this post.
    Being a woman it doesn’t affect me…..I would not really care if my husband earned more or less than me….but I would be surely pleased if he can cook….not as a daily chore….but just to cook so that he can fend himself…..and sometimes me too πŸ™‚ but even if he doesn’t the attraction doesn’t change…

  6. Can we not-yet-married types, respond on this too?

    Me: but of course! πŸ™‚ although you havent put your money where you mouth is, yet!

  7. I had this discussion 2 days ago with my husband. The so to say ‘traditional’ roles of a man and a woman, this discussion is pretty complex in today’s times. If you ask me, as a person I wonder how much I would fit into this role, coz I feel worthless just sitting at home cooking, mending, cleaning. I like my time away from home, even though I might not be earning a bomb. So for me the typical womanly traditional stuff is ruled out! And coz I don’t see myself fitting into something like that, how could I expect my man to fit into the traditional role then! It wont make me or him any more attractive to each other. We love each other as one whole person…right…and there are no brownie points for cooking more/better or earning more!! ummm….need to check this with him now πŸ™‚

  8. I gave up someone who was loaded to the hilt to marry A, and I still love him as much or more now when he’s out on a limb trying to do his own thing and I’m being sole breadwinner for the moment, so no, that doesn’t make a difference. But I would like it if between us we’d made or inherited enough money so we could only work halfdays and spend the rest of our time hanging out with each other and the kids :)Wishful thinking, I guess.

  9. I don’t love him at all, so if he does anything better, maybe i’ll love him some

    Me: haan ji. zaroor. kya ho gaya? his cold and fever making him cranky? πŸ™‚ come on birthday girl – dont say such stuff. who will pay for the party tonight? πŸ˜‰

  10. i anyways have all his money πŸ™‚ so no worries about the party… well really come to think of it, i was very happy when we rode the bike to office singing loudly “beedi jalayile” and then when i decorated his amazingly small apartment… but still, i love him for he as a person, and with kid, that love is growing, not because he is earning more or has started to look good. my feelings for him has changed since we married, its a feeling of incompleteness without him, but still, i don’t love him.

    Me: uff. drama. πŸ˜€

  11. Hypothetically speaking, I think I might love Prash more if he did the non-traditional thing better, like cook, or clean! And when I asked him, he said he could see himself loving me more if I raked in the moolah so he could retire and live on my earnings! πŸ™‚

  12. Hey we too started off with sleeping on the mattress and second hand furniture πŸ™‚ The way the market is going, I think the apt qtn would be, will you still love your husband if you ahve to revist your poor days. The answer would be I would still love my husband anyway…rich or poor. Because he is hardworking and I know he has not squandered away the earnings on addictive habits. I think I would love him a bit more if he stopped bugging me to cook like his mom πŸ™‚

  13. Why do you ask all these hard questions, I say?
    In our case, the husband paid for my education (despite earning pittance), so I loved him for himself and the fact that he was rich enough to fund me through college while we lived an impoverished existence! πŸ˜›

    But seriously, I think more riches, in our working classes, will mean more work and more time away from each other. So it would have quite the opposite effect.
    You can always do with more money, but do you really need it to be happier or more in love? I don’t think so.

  14. He has had pathetic soya chunks curry made with my very own hands, and not said a word, and finished off what I served him.

    Rich or poor, in fact whatever, do not think I can love him any less!

    More? Maybe!

  15. The simplest answer to your question: No.
    But I expect one other thing: that he give a massage at least thrice a week and in general make me feel comfortable. I have offered to do every other task (household and otherwise) if he only agrees to help me relieve the resulting stress.
    Of course, he finds even that too much to agree too.

  16. Ooops! This is gonna be hard, but I will be truthful.

    Would I love him more if he earned more? Yes, because many of our biggest fights are centred around financial issues. I could write a whole post justifying my answer, but I won’t.

    Would he love me more if I were a good cook? Since we are talking about the traditional man/woman roles here, let’s take out the word ‘cook’ (I’m good ;p) and replace it with ‘keep house better’. Yes, he sooooo definitely would. This is another huge argumant factor…my housekeeping skills, or in my case, lack of.

    Phew, that was hard. But truthful.

    Me: wow. honest and hard hitting. the best response without you even having to go into details.

  17. I will definitely love him more if he learns to be a bit more patient and cool in life. Right now, he is really really short-tempered and i love him a little less when that spoils the atmosphere at home… So, to answer ur question – his increased salary wont make me love him any more than i do now πŸ™‚

  18. Whatever changes, our love would remain the same…..It’s just that my MIL would start liking me…(loving is too far fetched)!!

    Me: ROFL. coolest answer of the day!

  19. Love him more because we have sorta swapped the traditional roles – he still cooks waaay better than me and I know that one day I’ll be earning three times his salary πŸ˜›

    In the times of a financial crisis, sure more money would make people happier – but you know what they say – you can’t buy love πŸ™‚

  20. An excellent thought to ponder! Regarding cooking, I believe that a man who has had the opportunity to try the skill and burden the chore would understand in totality the strain the partner would go through especially if she has a job and has kids to look after. This applies to the art of money making. They too understand its not easy since they themselves are now very much into it. But all this said, if the cooking is so pathetic, not in quality but in its ingredients (example: salt) he may remember his Mother too often πŸ™‚ This applies to either of the partners being selfish and squandering the hard earned money then there may be many a disagreements. But overall I believe that people dont lust the eatery cook nor do they the crooked millionaire. Right? πŸ™‚

  21. hmmmm… me loving AA more if he were richer? No!

    Me loving him more if he would get into a few more “house keeping” activities or atleast be more disciplined in that space? YES!

    He loving me more, if I were a better cook? NO.

    He loving me more, if I dont nag him over keeping the house tidy and such stuff? YES!

    Fair response? What do you say?

  22. Love has nothing to do with poverty or richness in fiscal terms. I am not being emotional, just rational. Call me nuts, but if it’s conditional, it can’t be love..:) I am no idealist either…ppl use the word love too frivolously these days..
    So , richer or poorer, I’d love him a little more everyday…and I do. πŸ™‚ He’s attractive to me not because he’s the most handsome man around, neither is he the richest……but rather because I love him, with all my heart. And everything else in between.:P

  23. I think most of us are pretty self-sufficient, by us I mean both the wife and the husband. and by self sufficient I mean both ways, both roles. A husband has the potential of being the one to take care of the house and the wife is equally capable of raking in enough moolah to see them through life comfortably. So, I would say yes, more dough means more comfort, but the love will remain the same…….mo’ money or not. At this point, I get reminded of the song Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems πŸ™‚ but you never hear Mo’ Love Mo’ Problems now do you?

  24. My husband is not a foodie so he would not care if I were a good cook or not. Neither does he say anything when I get my hair cut really short, but I do KNOW, secretly, he would love it if I grow my hair really long…..
    As for me, I don’t care about money because we both work and that brings in enough to live comfortably, and we are not so much into becoming millionaires to care. I do not care so much about the typical male qualities, but would love it if he were to get me flowers every so often!

  25. I would not love him more if he was richer, for one that would mean him not coming home ever. πŸ˜›

    more seriously though, I have seen worse days, financially, like you and some others who have commented, I cant tell you how grateful I am to have what I have. life is comfortable, and its enough for me.

    Which brings me to the other part, would I love my husband just as much if we were poorer, I guess that would be difficult, I remember all the days when we had bad bad fights about money, the fact that I never thought about leaving him because of those fights tells me I love the husband irrespective of how much he makes, but I dont know what things would have been like had the crunch continued.

  26. i am so like you…i cook but dont necessarily enjoy it and with two small kids, its important i do that. unfortunately in the US, maids are unaffordable, at least for us. i always pine for one having enjoyed the luxury in India. and this is one thing i wish my hubby would be good at. he can make a few things and he only makes them occasionally. i really wish i married someone who could cook and churn out meals. do i love him less? i dont …because, really this is just a teeny weeny dent in the larger scheme of things. now do i want him to earn more? YES YES YES….so that I can quit my job and get wasted…no just kidding. so that i can spend more time with my little ones and do something more creative than what i do now. this is one of our goals as a couple, lets see what happens.

    done ..i think i am done right?
    anyway, what is egg rice…sounds like a yummy dish especially for the kids. can i have the recipe, chef?

  27. Not a chance. Wouldnt trade the feeling of “we built this home, every last bit that’s in it, with our own hands” for any damn thing.

    There are warped pleasures to being poor (comparatively) – it tests how much you will be with each other through thick and thin – and the feeling when you come through it is priceless. I am sure many will agree.

  28. Money – no. I loved my husband more when he made less 4 years ago. It might be the charm of new love but there, I said it.
    Like others here there are things that would make me happier. If he weren’t such a slob sometimes, that would make me LOADS happier.

    Btw, no need to pretend this is some sort of cliffhanger. Tell us what your answer is “later” – indeed. As if I didn’t already know.

    Me: psst.. hush up already will you? some might not know my answer!

  29. Hmm…. I really dont think the love would decrease if he were richer.. because he was not rich or even earning s pie when I fell in love with my husband .. we were both undergrads and we still are students …. earning the same stipend of 1500$ and trying to make ends meet and over the years it have been quite a few factors that have make me love him more and money is not one of them.. though at sometimes I wish he graduated and got a job while I could stay in schol with my stipend doing my Phd forever while not worrying on how to manage all my shopping πŸ™‚
    But yes, love i dont think would get more or less with money..comfort maybe…

    He cools like heaven and THAT surely makes me go awwwwww all over again

  30. Not love but I’d feel more secure probably. Perhaps happier too. See, many of my friends are married to guys 3-4-5 years elder to them and well-settled in their careers. I envy them – they have the financial freedom to do what they’d like to with their time… work, not work, study, work for peanuts – whatever!

    Me, I stick to the safe, lucrative option – software! I’d love to do something creative instead, be home with my kids when I have them… a thousand other plans!

    But my husband is the same age as me, so we are both in the struggling phase still. Not money-wise but career/role-wise. Sure, he brings home enough for us to be comfortable, but we wouldn’t be able to save at the rate we are right now. Plus he wants to go to business school soon, we can’t both be not earning then, can we? 😦

    Do I sound like a whiner? My husband keeps telling me I should follow my dreams and not worry about the money. It’s not important he says. But I am the one who feels insecure.

    And I know one thing – he’d be way more happy if I was the traditional wifey types – great cook, not insisting on keeping my surname and all. I love to cook and cook well I think, but expect him to help out or at least keep me company throughout. πŸ™‚ He never saw that coming I think.

    I’d like to think he loves me just the way I am though. Just as I love him. Isn’t that what love is all about?

    (Hey, I just realized I am a traditionalist too. Considering that I expect my husband to support us while I have the option to choose what I’d like to do. Hmmmpph! The things I learn about myself in this blog world!)

    (And sorry for the mini-thesis. You ask such thought-provoking questions, what to do?!!!)

  31. Hmm.. interesting question and I was thinking about it yesterday when all I wanted to make was upma for dinner and all he didn’t want to eat was that!
    I guess in my case, it is hard for him to not have someone wait on him and hand him piping hot food each meal (mil is a wonderful cook)
    I love to cook and am actually good at it… but there are days when I just do not want to see the kitchen (doesn’t help that I’m 35 weeks along!!)
    But, to answer your question, I don’t think he would ‘love’ me more… but he would definitely be happier (which in a twisted way makes me feel happy too..coz I was pretty upset yest when he ate that upma I made without a complaint)
    And to the other part of the question.. yes, I would definitely be happier if he earned more. It will give me the chance to sit at home and enjoy my little one without worrying about getting back to work soon! But ‘love’ him more? nah.. I love him plenty already! πŸ™‚

  32. Hmm… no, I think… we are still in the struggling phase because both of us started off with very low-paying jobs at the beginning of our career… and now, jointly we make as much money as some of my friends’ earn in a single month…
    We do struggle sometimes… but, we are not unhappy and I know that my husband prefers me working to staying at home!
    And yes, I do wish he would cook a bit more often! πŸ˜€

  33. For most of us arranged marriage types, the heart crushing love phase either never happened or is yet to be πŸ˜€
    With that in mind, I would very honestly say that yes, my husband, even though he shares a lot of the ‘traditional’ chores at home would be a lot more happier if I did the lion’s share. And in turn, I bring in some moolah but he earns significantly more so I would be happier if he brought in some more so I can quit working without guilt and keep house better. There is enough love to not talk about his money or mine…seriously, I let him handle all my finances and he lets me spend all his πŸ˜€

    Would my love for him increase or decrease…I cannot really say. I have never really gone through a proper struggle phase in terms of money and on the other hand I have always been a good cook. (What? even my MIL agrees)

  34. Like someone pointed out, the correct question in the present economy is if u will love him any less if he earned less / lost his job now.

    And my answer is no, I will in fact love him much more when he is going through a bad time while he is putting his best effort. You know how they say a mother likes the weakest kid the most….that’s true love.

    It’s a test of true love in a relationship too, to be able to love a person for not what he has, but who he is.

  35. hell, no. because then it can be implied that I’d love him less if he were not XYZ. I love the man the way he is and he me. Ofcourse I’d be happier if “we” were richer etc. but won’t make me love him more (or less).

  36. I dont think I will love him more if he was richer. But yes, I would have been a happier person. I would have left my job for a few years and looked after my baby. Or I would probably just keep a nanny and a cook and then work.
    Also I can fly business class to India. πŸ™‚ But there is a LONG list of things that he could do to make me love him some more.
    so money is not imp.
    And like MMMM said, I cook well, so that is not a issue, he would probably like me a little better if I had better house keeping skills. There also the list is very long. Money and cooking are smaller issues. πŸ™‚

  37. Remember the conversation in Love Story? πŸ™‚ I can recite it verbatim in my dreams!
    Having said that, let me give an honest reply to your qstn.
    Would I love The G more if he earned more? Nope. I dont think it is possible to love him any more than I do. Would it make me happy if he earned more? Yes. Definitely.
    Would he love me more if I were more domestic? Nope. But he would be happier I guess if the house was cleaner and better maintained. Having said that, let me also add that the onus of keeping a clean house is not entirely on me.
    I think love really has nothing to do with it. But peace of mind and happiness do.
    If I were to ask The G, whether he would be happier if I was more organized with the household chores, he`d imdtly say, “wouldnt you?”! πŸ™‚

  38. Pingback: My cliff hanger reply « The Mad Momma

  39. hahaha1 i hate cooking too!! but i’m good at it… I’m baffled that i managed to cook so well for a girl who didnt know how to fry an egg till she was 25!
    well, i wouldnt love my husband more if he earned more or was richer… but i’d definitely love d fact that he earns more when he does.
    as for him loving me more if i can cook non veg n cook really well… i’ll let u know when i find myself a husband or even a bf or a fiance πŸ˜‰

  40. Well when you fall in love when both of you are well penniless so to say…the Love just changes form of expression…. as long as both of you still want same things in life….
    Or so I hope πŸ˜€

  41. Hmm..hard to answer, since I don’t know exactly how much money my husband makes! We got married last year, and there was no discussion about merging the finances, and hence no reason for me to find out what his paycheck is. I guess it doesn’t matter πŸ™‚

    And about me cooking well..nah, I don’t think he would care much about it even though he is a HUGE foodie and a much better cook than me.

    BTW, MM, was meaning to tell you but kept forgetting…about that knee…
    I had similar issues, lot of pain and swelling in my knee. All tests were good (doc was actually surprised to see such a healthy specimen) Then we did an MRI and it turned out the knee cap had tilted. For no reason. Doc said the structure is like that. I had surgery about a month ago, and the pain is completely gone. Maybe something you should look into as well?

  42. So – would you love your significant other more, if they did the traditional thing better?
    Not really – the thing that I liked most about him was the fact that he had very unconventional views on what makes a good marriage.
    Would you love your wife anymore if she cooked better? Yes [muttered sheepishly by the other half[
    Would you possibly love your husband more than you do, if he were much richer? Would it make you happier?
    Would he/ she be more attractive to you?
    Money makes a lot of things better but it comes with its own set of issues. I think I prefer what we have now than a relationship where we might have to sacrifice more of our personal time. A good father wins over a rich husband everytime.

  43. I have to come back to read all comments but my answer- no thinking required. No! I don’t care how much he makes. He can be a millionaire but it won’t mean a thing. It won’t be “our” money till I pitch in.

    And I think he doesnt care for my cooking either. He is not a foodie.

    Both of us will find each other much more attractive if we argued less πŸ™‚

  44. arrey!!! so many comments already!

    I’d still like to give my two bits –

    U know I am completely smitten by the Boy. And yet, thinking “objectively” as u asked….NO, I don’t think my love or him changes, more money or less money.

    We like each other from a time when he was earning peanuts, I was still studying, I was 20 kgs fatter, he was a lean man.

    And today, we’re still together and love each other that much.

    As for cooking, well he knows and loves me from a time I couldn’t even make maggi…so its really not a point since he didn’t know if I’ll ever enter the kitchen ( hell I didn’t know either!)

    All I know is, money is not a big deal to me. U know, I had a rishta from a guy who owns a swanky 5 bedroom house at nariman point πŸ™‚

    I’d take my loving, funny, generous interesting Boy any day!

    ps: I am a lousy housekeeper πŸ˜€

    Me: You know Chandu, sometimes you have to be less selfish and think beyond yourself for the greater good. Woh rishta le lena tha na?! then we’d get to stay in that swanky apartment! because of course its all about us.

  45. More money would be convenient definitely, but is certainly not going to make me love my man any more than I do already. I think I would love him a lot more if he didn’t wear filthy shoes to the bathroom, and he’d love me more if I dusted better! (Waisey ofcourse I’m practically perfect, so that’s OK!)

  46. Would I love him more if he earned more? Heck, No- but yes earning a bit more would mean a lot of our financial issues would be resolved and put less stress on us as individuals.
    But yes, money has nothing to do with love…because at times u end up loving a person irrespective of whether the other person loves you- so its not really about the money.
    But I would definitely love myself more if I was a good housekeeper at all- I am lousy at it and I hate myself for it more than him- whenever he gets bugged about the house, he does what is needed and I hate myself for it, because i want to do it first, not because it is my duty to do it, but I would like to be the house-proud person which I am nowhere close to

  47. I had an arranged marriage. 12 yrs and two kids later, I still don’t know if I love him – the one that involves attraction, heart beat racing, wanting to spend each and every moment with him etc. But I do care about him and it wont make any difference if he earned less or more. It will make me happier though if he gets rid of some of his annoying habits πŸ˜€

  48. i think in general if u r not in love with your partner (am not talking abt the caring n doing your duty part which is ingrained in every girl in india n comes to us automatically bcoz we r conditioned so much) money or cooking skills wont make any difference. if husb becomes filthy rich wives can afford to spend more of their money n may show their gratefulness in some ways but deep inside (a part which no woman easily reveals) nothing changes.

    shld be the same for a guy – if u luv a woman for her personality spirit n attitude her lack of cooking skills will be no big deal. and if the only capable thing ur wife can do is make a delicious spread u wont respect her much from inside though it depends on lot many factors what u choose to show outside.
    in a nutshell from what i’ve seen around it’s better for a woman in a marriage if she earns money rather than being just a great cook!
    the former definitely gets more respect from a man than the latter!!

  49. Hey, I love him more because he cooks more often than me, because he often lovingly makes and packs my lunch for office (while he himself doesn’t need to take lunch), because he never expects food to be ready on the table. Money may come and go – but how rare is this?!

  50. I am a jack of all and master of none. I am not a great cook nor a great house keeper. P is worse than me in both the areas, so whatever I do is all we have. Would he love me if I cook better, I guess yes and would I love him better if he earned more money, No. Would more money make me happy, don’t think so. We make a fresh start in a rented house with a few vessels and a mattress this month, so may be I might have different opinions in a month or 2 πŸ™‚

  51. Just curious as to why my comments almost never get a response. Makes me wonder why I spend time commenting 😦

    Me: oops. no particular reason for missing it out babe!! I love reading your comments for the sharing of a view point.. even if I dont reply to all. its tough with a full time job, two babies, house and so many comments!

  52. after going through this post and the one titled ‘Is it more attractive?’, lemme ask you one question.
    when you were a housewife were you always cooking on your own?
    I mean I’ll raise my eyebrows when I hear that someone who spends her full time at home employs a maid who cooks for her.
    Considering that, I dont think you can blame her… she just might not be enjoying the ‘running around the kids’ business.


    Me:Oh absolutely. I agree with you. Not everyone might ‘enjoy the running around the kids’ business. Which is why you have birth control. It’s something you think through. And if you do it – you follow up with full comittment or expect to be judged/blamed.
    Unlike cooking. Which is a skill you can choose to hone or not. I dont. I’m honest enough to accept that I dont do it very well and it bores me – but unlike having kids, eating is a necessity – so why not use all that nice money I earn to get a good meal on my table?!
    And frankly if you choose to compare outsourcing cooking to outsourcing childraising and teaching your kids manners and social skills – i suppose we have nothing further to discuss! πŸ™‚
    Except to say – no i’ve never been a housewife – have always worked, even from home.

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