A different matter altogether

NOTE: This post is a year old. Was written on Dec 2009 when the Bean was 2.5 years old. Yes, I’m busy with something again and can’t put up fresh posts. Will tell you after its all over.

It’s a late winter afternoon and I am struggling to put them into bed for a nap.  They’re looking for excuses to hop out of bed. The Brat brings up what he considers a crisis – “My lips are chapped.”

“Oh alright” I snap, grabbing a tub of Vaseline and slathering it over his lips.

This sounds like a brainwave to the Bean who is slipping out of bed to go get my chapstick. She loves pretending its her “lipstip”. I grab her by the scruff of her neck, tuck her back in, slather some Vaseline on her lips and tell her to shut her eyes.

She glares at me and defiantly turns around and rubs the Vaseline into my pillow “I don’t love you Mamma”. I groan inwardly, ignore her and get off the bed to get back to work, tossing a careless “You don’t need to love me, you need to just sleep and let me get some work done,” at her.

“Mamma, come here,” says her highness.

MM: Why?

Beanie: I want to sleep in your lap

MM: But you just said you don’t love me

A moment to think it over and she responds “I don’t love you. But I love your lap.”

Nice. Compartmentalisation. She should be a man.

Mama, give me some money

… says the Bean.

MM: “And why do you need money?”

Bean “I have to give it to Subhash bhaiyya (the driver). He’s trying to kill me.”

MM & OA: ????????????????

Like I said – this girl will be the death of us. And she’s not yet three… *Groan*

————–

Brat: Mama, do you know why a chameleon changes colour?

MM: Why?

Brat: Because it swallowed a rainbow.

MM: !!!

PS: Yes, I am lazy, over worked and digging out drafts that were written one and a half years ago. Bear with me.

Beanisms of the day

Bean (after being read the riot act by her father): Mama, dada hurt my feelings.

Said father looked more hurt than the offspring.

On the other hand: She can communicate. She is in touch with her emotions. She takes offence easily. My work here is done – I have created a woman!

———

MM in an attempt to clothe offspring without talking about issues like shame: Beanie, put on your pants. Stop running around nangu-pangu. What if a birdie comes and pecks your bum?

Bean considers the scenario and then responds earnestly: Then I’ll just say ‘ouch’.

Gah. New tactics required!

Lessons learnt

The OA is sitting on a chair with his legs stretched out on to the bed. The Bean comes along, crawls on to his leg and then wraps her arms and legs around until she is dangling upside down. The OA raises his leg cautiously and examines the 12 kilos hanging off it and asks, “Whats up, beanie?”. She responds – “Nothing, I’m just a koala bear right now.”

—————–

The Bean and the OA are later going through her alphabet book and she goes – “C for cat, C for camera, C for cone, C for..” and without missing a beat… “big yellow city”.

The OA looks at the page and cracks up – it is a golden crown!

—————–

G’pa and the Bean are putting together a puzzle and the Bean thinks it over and in a jiffy has it done. A proud grandfather grins at her and says, “Sweetheart, you have my brains…”

“No G’pa, I have my own brains and you have your own.”

—————–

I am visiting school friends left, right and centre for pujo  and almost all of them have dogs. The Brat and Bean are getting a real life course in dog breeds. This is a Beagle, this is a Dalmation, this is a Pug…

And then we’re back home and the Brat tries to remind the Bean of the lesson by pointing to my parents’ dog – “And that Bean, is a German Shepherd…”

The Bean nods wisely and says, “Yes, and he’s also a dog.”

 

Dilli Haat

* Dear Bijoli Grill

Would you mind opening up a branch in Gurgaon. There is a little girl here who hungers for mishti doi and going all the way to Dilli Haat for it isn’t always easy.

Thanking you,

MM

* Huddling under an inadequate garden umbrella while the unusually harsh Delhi monsoons rage around you, eating steaming hot chicken momos at Dilli Haat, is the cosiest thing ever.  Ever.

* Two kids with straws and mugs of fruit beer can cause more destruction than nuclear war. Don’t believe me? You ain’t seen mine in action. Brandishing them like swords, spraying water and juice all over the place and poking their parents in the eye, shoving them into their noses and ears.

*Heard – Brat saying – Why are you saying, don’t touch the dogs, don’t touch the dogs? Doggies only bite if you hurt them. If you pet them they will love you back.”

*Seen – Brat helping the waiters lock up the stall, hand out menus, and struggle to lift chairs and pile them up. He finally promised to come back when he was older so that he could help the waiters.

*Heard – Bean saying, “I’m not a waiter. I am an eater.”