Taboo

I’ve (touchwood) never known loss like a miscarriage and for that I can never be thankful enough to God. It also makes me terribly sensitive to those who’ve lost a child. I hurt for them for days after and I don’t know how to make them feel better.

In the last couple of years each time a friend miscarries, there’s this awkward pause in the conversation where I struggle to find words adequate enough to express the grief and the surge of emotion I feel for her and her loss. The men look even more devastated because nobody even thinks of them in this entire situation.

One of the many reasons I blog about touchy topics is because I think we need that space where we can bring the taboo into the open and say what we feel, (no rudeness of course) – but express the way we feel.

And I’ve realised that so few people are willing to talk about it in the open. Its always hush hush. I don’t know why and I admit it’s probably because I have never been there.

On the other hand, I am usually rather open about all the  negative experiences I have been through be it discrimination or abuse, because I hope that someone will benefit from it. Someone out there will read and know that they are not alone. Not just in terms of blogging but also in my personal life and the real world, I am open about my problems because I get a lot of comfort from my friends knowing what I am going through and then rallying around. Not for me the stony faced, stiff upper lip, suffer it alone situation.

For instance  – I didn’t maintain the mandatory 3 months of silence when I was expecting my kids because of the fear of miscarriage, simply because I’d much rather tell people I am pregnant and let them treat me with care. Give me seats, drive slowly over bumps and the rest of it. But that’s just  me and I don’t expect everyone else to feel the same way.

For instance, did you know that one in every four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? Isn’t that awful? And there are all these women out there holding that loss and that grief deep within while we blather on about our kids or walk around with big bellies, groaning about how tired we are and what a pain it is to go to the loo every 30 minutes. Well naturally, how are we supposed to know?

So my post for today is nothing of my own but a link to this lady who lost a baby. I read her post and felt this kinship with her. And this link is to the blog of a very brave blogger who I admire immensely. I just wish she’d start blogging again.

And to all those who have known this loss, my condolences and my love. May you have the strength to get through this and may you never again suffer any loss in your life….

Edited to add: I already see linkbacks to this post. Thank you guys for taking this up and sharing. I hope there are parents out there who are gaining strength and faith from your courage.

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84 thoughts on “Taboo

  1. I followed the link and read her posts.
    My heart literally aches for her. Hope she’s doing okay.

    Btw “mandatory 3 months of silence”- oh so THATS what it is about?! So as to not jinx it?? Ahhh.. now I get it! Cos’ there’ve been so many instances when I’ve heard pregnant women (in the family or outside) go “..we’re expecting. Its been three and a half months..”.. and I always wondered how come WE didn’t know any sooner?! :S

    Accha now I get it. I had no clue of this concept!

    • Actually its not so much a jinx. The first three months is when its not showing so you can afford not to talk about it. But they’re also the three months where you’re most likely to miscarry – the pregnancy at its most delicate – so people dont talk about it because they dont want to then have to tell the whole world again if they miscarry. I understand – but in my own case I felt its best to tell people and be treated with care, and get enough rest. Plus I was too damn excited not to!

  2. Ahhh ok ok. See, I never knew all this.
    Now it makes sense!

    Me: ;) stick with me baby and I shall teach you lots :p

  3. I must thank you for this post. I have had complications in the 6th month and lost the baby as mentioned by the other blogger too…and at such a stage, most people already knew, forget the 3 months time period here!!

    I feel no shame when someone asks…its just very painful to talk about…and some people, may be they mean well…ask the details…that’s heart wrenching!! I have had ‘friends’ say how long will you mourn, its been months!! People can be really insensitive…it is not something that gets better over time, it is something i will carry to my grave even if i have 10 kids!!! there, I SAID IT!

    I made this comment in the ‘open’ coz I appreciate the empathy :-)

    Me: I’m so proud of you for saying this in the open and so sorry to hear of your loss…. God bless you and may you have lots of healthy babies. Well, as many as you like…
    And no, you dont ever forget – I can understand that. *hugs*

  4. A friend of ours miscarried in her 8th month. We had no words to tell her anything. We really didn’t know what to say so as to make her feel better.

    I understand why we have the 3 months thing in place…my mother & MIL are both very superstitious about it and this is one thing I’d agree with. Anything for my child (whenever we have one that is)

    Me: Ah – my MIL is too. But me – I only believe in blessings :) All the best for whenever. I am quite willing to wait until you decide to share!

  5. oh i know that feeling was almost there…it was a touch a go thankfully my baby was saved

    http://monikamanchanda.wordpress.com/2009/04/26/the-birth-story/

    and I still shudder when I think about that day I really cant imagine how the people who have gone thru it feel…

    may god give them all the courage to deal with it

    Me: oh monica… how brave of you to write about it all.. and how kind of you to share it. sometimes just sharing is the kindest thing you can do…

  6. ((HUGS)) prettywoman.

    TMM, while I see your POV I can totally understand why people do not disclose, and infact even though I told most close people, I would not advise preggies to talk about it.

    People ARE insensitive, even when they don’t mean to.

    Besides most folks don’t know what to say.. If you see Akka’s comments you’ll see that most people go – “I don’t know what to say” (including myself). Only someone who has undergone the loss of a child can understand how it feels.

    I’m glad you brought this up though.

    Me: Oh I’m not asking people to talk about it really. I talk about my own problems I dont expect others to be so open. To my mind peopple are more likely to be insensitive accidentally than deliberately. Like if I know you’ve miscarried, then I am careful not to talk about my pregnancy in front of you. Otherwise I’m most likely to rant about how annoying the OA was or how sick I was or anything .. na?

    If anything, like AA, I strongly believe in communities and sisterhood, and talking, venting and getting things out in the open. Always healthier than letting things fester.

    That said – for those who believe in the taboo… well of course they must do what they believe in.

  7. I have had only one pregnancy so far and a healthy baby out of it. Fortunate. All my friends have had healthy pregnancies too. But I can understand because I’ve thought about it. Good that you brought this up so the ladies who went through a loss can share and lighten up some of their burdens.
    I agree on the 3 months things. I talked around when I got pregnant too. I couldn’t wait. And I also think they do it more coz of the fear of miscarriage. In my community people are not allowed to buy anything for the baby before the child is born. Not even around 8 months.

  8. Talk abt intensely personal matters?? Well, I get this a lot too. My first baby is an IVF baby, after struggling with infertility and TB of the uterus and tying of tube and what not. Mostly, people know abt my IVF baby in the first or second meeting of ‘being with me’. At a ground level, I have inspired many of my friends and even strangers to go out there and deal with infertility. It pleasures me to no end when they will call in and say a ‘thank you’ for just giving some advice.
    The way I see it, if you have been through a difficult experience and can empathise with others, what a wonderful oppurtunity to naturally support someone.
    However, many family members, friends and even contemporaries get distinctly uncomfortable whenever I refer to my problems. Infertility is traumatic and emotionally wracking but I think I emerged a stronger person after the struggle. Life is so much easier if we would just reveal what we are about..but it surprises me that many people take the tougher route of hiding facts. Tragic..
    But my baby is the most wonderful baby- I joke and say- the artificial process of choosing a perfect egg and perfect sperm gave me the perfect baby! http://bhavnachopra.blogspot.com/2008/12/mamas-boys.html

    Me: you know, I feel exactly the same way when I talk about inlaw issues, sexual abuse or discrimination. Others are awkward and dont know how to respond. but to me, its just my little way of telling people that its okay to have gone through any of these and that you survive it and just come out stronger… i think your post is awesome and your attitude is fantastic.

  9. Does the pain flow from the sense that an individual has been lost, or from shame that your body somehow failed? A combination of both, obviously, but in what proportion?

    Anyone?

    Also, I can think of an inappropriate joke, but it’s not my blog, so I’ll refrain!

    Me: I cant imagine and its a good thing you refrained. I’d hate to beat up someone younger

  10. Very coincidental. I just blogged about my own loss. My baby died when he was 6 days old. It’s been almost 10 years. Having one more child, a daughter and then adopting a son, I am thankful. But I still think of myself as a mom of three kids.

    Miscarriage or neonatal loss, my opinion is, the grieving mom can recover faster when she can talk about her baby openly, and is validated as a mom. Everyone tried to make my child invisible. I remember the anger against those people who stayed away because they didn’t know what to say. Please don’t do this to any woman. Even a hug or I’m so sorry is good enough. When people don’t show up or at least call or write to express their condolences, it feels like they think you deserved it. And that makes it worse.

    Thanks for this lovely post, MM, and for your love. Hugs to you.

    me: hugs right back at you…. thank you for sharing… And yes, of course you will always be mom of three…

  11. MM..

    You know I’ve had to have an MTP done, na, before Chinni.. I had told only a few close friends, but my FIL chose to tell extended family and everyone who cared to listen about the pregnancy.

    I still remember the day the doc asked me not to go ahead with the pregnancy, coz the baby wasn’t growing, didn’t have a heartbeat and all.. And I went and did a hazaar tests and tried to find reasons to postpone the MTP. Until eventually, I was in too much pain to even walk, and had to get it done in an emergency. Although I have a perfectly healthy baby now, I will always always mourn this one.

    The hospital, the pain, (physical and mental) and seeing my husband just break down and cry for hours is something I will never get over. There we were, two 23 year olds holding each other and crying. We had no one to comfort us, tell us it will get better .. I still hate his family for that.

    After I came back to work, my boss just came up to my desk and hugged me. And cried with me and held me. All of my friends came to know, and were so empathetic. But his family dealt with it in the worst kind of a way. They completely ignored me, didnt touch me for 14 days, and asked me not to touch them. :-(

    @Perakath, Yes Perakath, it is a combination of both. I felt so bad about my body failing, but I think 90% of it is the sadness that I lost a child.

    My mother in law still refers to the incident as “your abortion” when she refers to timelines.. as in that saree was bought the month you had your abortion, or that person came to visit us the month after your abortion. I cringe every time I hear that word.

    Anyways.. enough of my ranting. All I want to say is if you see someone/meet someone who’s lost a baby, please talk to them. Hug them. Or even hold hands. Please don’t ignore the topic or behave like nothing happened. Nothing hurts more than that.

    Me: *hugs Laks and says nothing*

  12. If i ever suffer a miscarriage.. I will come running to you MM.. comfort me ok?

    Me: God forbid you should ever need it….

  13. Though a very close cousin of mine didnt have a mis-carriage, but her baby was still born.. That was traumatic.. After struggling through the difficult pregnancy, she was shattered… With all the love and support from people around her, she could come back to her normal self. Now she is a mother of two healthy babies and is now on the way to have a third one, but I am pretty sure that she still remembers her first child…

  14. MM, Just early this month a family from our church lost their 8 year old twin daughters in a road accident. I couldnt sleep the night I heard about it. The sight of the 2 small coffins was really heart breaking. There was just a brief moment when I met the mothers eye and I couldn’t even mouth a sorry. I still have the images of the kids floating around in my head. I have no idea how the parents will cope. I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it.

    Its just simply sad. Hugs and prayers to all who have to go through that pain. I too believe talking about your grief helps you cope with it. But at times like this people goof up not knowing what to say and many times anything you say might take a ugly turn. Its a very sensitive situation.

    Me: twins?? Someone lost both their children at one shot?! At times like these Sunita, I have so many doubts that no priest can clear :( Why does the Lord choose to test some people so ?

  15. I know you were talking about miscarriages, but that was something that came to me instantly and I yapped on :).

    Either way its a huge loss

  16. I read both the posts…i can feel the pain and as someone up in the comments said most of us just dont know what to say in such situations.

    I have 2 kids touchwood eventless pregnancy but i could never carry them full term..both were born when they were some 33 weeks and a few days..most of them said “What’s with you that you can’t carry them full term???? ” it’s like i was forcing them out… :P and all i hear from friends and family is how healthy their new borns were…how they never had neonatal jaundice, feeding problems etc…and mine had all of them esp the first born coz i was also a new mother not knowing anything flooded with endless useless advice

    From that i learnt if i cannot console or empatize with someone..best is to leave them alone than to gloat about your own fortunes…

    Thank you MM for this lovely post.


    Me: really? people said that to you? man – I am amazed by what people can come up with. at best i can only excuse them saying they said it for lack of anything better to say. In which case I would say that its better to say nothing if you have nothing nice to say. Its so good to know you have two lovely healthy babies after all that trouble. God bless you guys..

  17. paisaformythoughts : “Everyone tried to make my child invisible” – you cannot imagine how deeply shaken i am by this one line . I guess everyone tries to make the mother move on, in the process negating her immense feeling of loss.

    Thanks TMM for creating the space for this…

  18. i admire you for writing this.. ya, have seen a relative suffer this loss. There is i think a huge physical damage that happens to the body and then there is this emotional side of it.. its definitely not fare that god does this to someone..

  19. A chill just ran down my spine to read that a blogger above lost her child in her sixth month. Starting that month this week myself (you better believe it!) I feel like someone reached in and ripped my heart out.
    I was horribly sick in my first 3 months as you know but for my close friends and family, I still couldn’t wait to tell. And even in the sickest of moments, a miscarriage would have broken my heart forever.
    Somehow I never realized talking about miscarriages is taboo. Is it? In what way? If anything my dad and mom coming from large families that lived in villages and procreated endlessly, they were a way of life – women were young, uneducated and medical facilities were sparse.
    I can see now though in an age where we “plan” to a tee even this most uncontrollable fact of nature, how a miscarriage feels unnatural and gut wrenching.

  20. Mr.Perakath..

    Have you gone Bankrupt in the department of Sensitivity…?…if so..then borrow sum from us…!

    I am mom…and by grace of the God..never experienced such loss…but one adult surely can imagine the pain of parents-to-be in such situation.

    Me: Shilpa – I think he’s just trying to ask an honest question. If you read up you will realise that a lot of people feel that way even though they shouldnt….

  21. Cant thank u enough for talking abt it. I ve been through the loss twice (one at 10 weeks, one at 26 weeks) However much ever I try be open about it,there is always that akward pause after someone hears it.

    Me: I’m sorry to hear that Vanitha… to think I’ve ‘known’ you all this while and never known this so that I could stop to give you a hug…. No awkward pause here… I just hope you never again suffer such a loss.

  22. I love it when you write these kind of sensitive posts. Like you, I also spilled out the news to people around me and am grateful that things went through fine. People however are different inherently. Someone could be an introvert and they prefer to deal with their grief with just their closest kin. Its a case of personal choice.

    p.s. Sorry if I am reading too much between the lines but when you said “stony faced, stiff upper lip, suffer it alone” it bothered me.

    Me: But what could you possibly read between lines that are said so clearly… and why would you want to read more than is written? I say what I want to openly and I dont leave anything between the lines.

  23. One of my friend recently lost her baby in 8 and half months. She was under a lot of depression following this which caused a lot of problems between her and her husband so she left him and is living with friends currently. Whenever she talks abt her baby and husband most of our friends avoid talking on that subject and change the topic as they feel it must be hurting her. But I let her speak and listen to her for hours too as I feel it must be helping her out in some way as she has no family here and she needs to share her agony with someone too. I hope what i am doing is right for her.

  24. I think its hush hush because it is expected. I think most people think, if we ignore the issue it will go away. And it never does. I do hope in time, as a society, we’ll become more open. Having lived in the US for a decade, I have begun to admire the openness here. And yes, it is cathartic, to be able to talk about a personal loss.

    I read the comment by paisaformythoughts and it tore me. There is no greater tragedy. Hugs.

  25. Perakath: Why do you think a loss of life will be at par with bodily shame? It’s sad that you can even think of jokes while such a senitive topic is discussed. I hope you grow up soon.

    Me: I think it was genuine curiosity Dot. So many men feel that way about impotence, right? Lets not get mad. If we can make sense to a boy in college who is trying to understand, we’re just making way for a more open society…

  26. I have had 2 miscarriages or should I say 3 because I learnt that I miscarried the very first one after quite some time. Second one was an ectopic pregnancy, and surgery followed 12 hours after the pregnancy was confirmed. Third one started aborting already when I came to know about that pregnancy and had to undergo emergent D and C. Fourth time around, it was a case of threatened abortion, and I was hospitalized and was in bed for 2 months and carried successfuly to term and delivered via c-sec. Now, I have a 5-month-old baby. All this happened in the span of 3 years.

    It is quite painful when one loses after giving birth or in their third trimester.

    All my relatives and friends know about this.

    Me: oh my God.. what a strong woman you are to be so open. I’m so sorry for your losses and so glad that you have a lovely little baby today… God bless the three of you…

  27. Long time lurker, MM, but had to write to you on this.

    Firstly, what a wonderful person you are to talk about and being so empathetic on such a sensitive topic for all of us who have had to go through this trauma! I’ve had to deal with 2 miscarriages – one each in the first and second trimesters. The first time around was the most traumatic, what with that being my first pregnancy after struggling with infertility for 5 years, going through a lot of invasive treatments and that feeling of utter joy when the miracle happened (yes, I consider this to be the biggest miracle in the world – this whole baby making process). For one full year, I could not bring myself to talk about it to anyone without breaking down and being gloomy for days afterwards. The second miscarriage was not earth shattering (it happened quite early on in the pregnancy) and I was in pretty good control of my emotions.

    Most of my friends/family with whom I have shared these episodes have not had much to say, but the pained look on their faces say it all. I talk only for myself when I say that I totally understand how difficult it is for them to say the right things to me and comfort me, but I appreciate that they have cared enough to listen and that little squeeze of my hands or that hug has meant so much to me more than any words. And as you have rightly said, nobody thinks about the husband, who is just assumed to have no sense of loss or trauma.

    I havent really cried about this for a long time now, but was unable to stop them while reading your post and writing this.

    Thanks again – this has meant so much to me, MM.

    -Archana

    Me: I’m sorry I made you cry Archana… And yes, I know its the biggest miracle on earth. Which is why I blog about the silly insignificant bits too. I’m sorry someone like you has to go through this. I just hope your pain comes to an end soon.. I know it will. Thank you for telling us what is acceptable and I hope we’ll all know the right thing to say or do when faced with it. Until then.. you stay strong… hugs.

  28. Babe. Thank you for this. Couldn’t have come at a better time. I just HAD to write over again…
    It gave me so much peace when I vented my frustration out. And now feel so much better. Perakath, I didn’t mean to be rude at all in my reply. Sorry if it came across that way. BTW… the lurker on your blog from Mountain View, CA is me.. :-) ..

  29. Well….in general I found his comments on many posts insensitive…and here in such kinda post he culd think of a joke…!

    anyways…ofcourse you know him better..

    Me: yes – its easy to take offence when you dont know a person. i do it all the time to unsuspecting strangers on this blog. its just human nature. dont feel bad about it. but he’s only a college kid and i think the fact that he reads a mommy blog reguarly says something about him wanting to learn more. so on his behalf, i apologise to anyone who felt he was insensitive. i dont think he meant to be.. but apologies from me anyway.

  30. oh dear, tmm, you shouldnt do this alone- i dont know perakath from adam- and he thought of a joke- knew it be offensive- refrained from writing- that apart, the question he posed is not a joke!

    a dear, very dear friend has had two miscarriages, the first one happened when i was pregnant. it was tough on all of us- we are very very close. and she and her husband are like the second in command along with my parents- if my husband and i are busy- for my child.

    but the question that perakath raised is precisely the trauma my friend probably went through- not articulating it fully even for herself. in the process she has got into a shell-insulating herself from the world through work. allowing very few to enter her shell- my child being one of the few she allows in.

    you cannot quantify the dilemma, perakath- my friend can not- we were not able to either. in the process not really being able to support her through this.

    Me: thanks Sur – for being the understanding person you always are. Perakath is a college boy :) we all know what they’re like – a rude joke for everything. but i know when he means to be offensive and in this case – was only seeking a real answer… thank you :)

  31. yes MM, it’s considered a taboo to announce pregnancy during the first 3 months.

    But in my case, we announced it to the whole world! (we were in U.S. when it happened) the moment we found out. But about 99% of our friends adviced against it as something might go wrong. But as we were ready to announce the good news, we were also prepared to announce if something bad happened( as 2 of my friends faced miscarriages during the earlier months). so i’ll rather announce the badnews & deal with it rather than suffering alone.BTW,i have a son who is of same age as the bean.

    That apart, inspired by u’r writing & few other factors, i’m planning to start a blog soon:)

    Me: yes, exactly the same with me too. i dont like to grieve alone… but more than that i hope that my talking about it will help someone else…

  32. hey hey…chill…just that I found him trying-hard-to-be-zara-hat-ke while commenting in general…but in that process he goes overboard many times….apologies not needed…not from you atleast…who throws light on such sensitive issues…!

  33. Come September 3rd, I still remember my “baby that could be”. He/she would be 3 years old this year. This, despite having had little M since. S and M are my world but I still think about the one that got away.

    And coming to your post – I was very open about my loss. Most of our friends knew. All of them understood and were gentle. OPening up actually makes the healing faster and easier. That is what I feel. That is why I was open about the IVFs too – the support I got from friends and family carried me through.

    Me: *hugs*…..well now you have our little drama queen… what would we have done without her? Glad you’re the strong person you are …

  34. @ Perakath: The pain flowed from MY loss. My body didn’t fail me. It actually, in all probability, miscarried to get rid of a deformed embryo – nature’s own way of handling serious problems. This is something I don’t understand – how can a miscarriage be considered someone’s “fault” or someone’s body’s fault? It is as natural a process as a pregnancy is.

    Me: so glad you explained that cee… not just for perakath but for all those who may not feel the way you do. hugs.

  35. On another note.. I am also like you.. I seek support when I am grieving.. and i totally cant be the silent strong closed type..

    and when you write that you are also one who seeks support when in grief, as a reader it feels as if in someway…my feelings have been validated..

    Because… so many silent strong types consider this quality a weakness..

    Me: gosh no. dont ever think of it that way. we’re not weak for sharing. they’re not hard hearted for not talking about it. its just our way of doing things.

  36. Thanks again MM for bringing up such a huge issue…what makes it tough in India is there are no grieving rituals for a foetus or baby (and for a child under 6, if I’m not wrong), so it’s easy for people to conveniently brush it aside and say “Better luck next time” like it was a toss of a coin.

    @ Perakath, I felt that a part of me died, not just my child. And society tried to make me feel that my body had failed. I was ‘lucky’ enough to birth another baby. Some women can’t.

    @Lakshmi, my in-laws also pretended I’d never had the child and still do after ten years.

    @girl on the bridge, Miscarriages and losses were commonplace two generations ago, but now people act like medical technology is so great, it’s got to be the woman’s fault for not having a living child.

    @Dottie and Surabhi, thank you so much:)
    @Stranger in the Mirror, some dates, you can never forget…anniversary reactions.

    Recently I almost hugged a woman who referred to my child very matter-of-factly. “Your son who would have been nine”, she said it without pity, and without cruelty, just a simple statement that validated a very short life, that’s all I want.

    Anyone who wants support, I’m there for you at http://paisaformythoughts.wordpress.com/

    MM, a sisterhood and community…oh yes…at least you’ve facilitated a mini-community here:)

    Me: well its comments like yours that make it a community, no? thank you for sharing with us and being so open. and yes, I know – a child below 3 is not allowed to be given a funeral. I wrote a post on my last blog precisely because I felt it must be so hard on the parents. Got ripped to pieces for my pains!

  37. My mother delivered a baby boy prematurely a few years after my brother was born, and that baby didn’t survive. Mom’s eighty plus now, but still tears up when she remembers this loss of about sixty years ago. It is one of the saddest things to happen to anyone.

  38. MM,

    You might want to publish this comment anon.

    You know I had a miscarriage with my pregnancy last year. And I told my family and was about to announce to my friends when this happened to me. I think the whole issue with miscarriage is that there is no set way to mourn the loss of an unborn child. Especially when it is so early as the first trimester.

    And then there is the pity. Even when I wanted to move on, saying it was nature’s way of telling – not now, others would not just let it go. Sympathy and Empathy I can take, but I can never take pity. And every time someone acted like that, I wanted to shake them.

    Not until my doctor told me did I know that miscarriages are not that rare. Some people wont even know they miscarried because it will coincide with their period. But we are all so hush hush about it that when it happens, we feel like something is really wrong with us – when the body is actually ensuring you are OK for the long haul.

    Someday, when I am OK with it, I will write about it.

    Me: yes sweetheart.. I know you miscarried. And I gave you all my love – and i tried to give you space.

    I don’t know if I said or did anything to offend you but here’s the thing – people are uncomfortable because all this is so new.

    We only know the right responses to things that are out in the open… I wish more people would come out like you and tell us what they dont mind us saying. And we’ll stick to that. Until then we fumble around like fools in the dark, terrified of causing you more pain and in the bargain, doing just that.

  39. MM, thanks a lot for this timely post. Just last week we got the news that our journey to parenthood will be longer and since then it has been tough dealing with the news, sitting here in a foreign country. This post has given me the courage to share my pain with friends and relatives. Love…

    Me: I’m so sorry to hear that Ammu… I pray its not too long or too hard. And i hope none of us make it harder by saying anything accidentally or deliberately… All the best and God bless…

  40. Pingback: Miscarriage « Nothing but my Views & Rants

  41. I lost my baby(?) last month at almost the same time as the lady. It was overwhelingly joyous to announce our ‘good news’ to the world.Here is how I shout out loud:

    http://alwayshappykya.wordpress.com/2009/04/08/drumroll-please/

    But, when the unthinkable happened, the amount of support from family/friends and the blogger buddies was unbelievable!’

    http://alwayshappykya.wordpress.com/2009/04/17/lost/

    Though there were some nasty people who said “are you sure you took good care when you were pregnant?”, those were royally ignored.

    Your post brought back bitter memories of those tearful days, but also reminded that there is nothing to be ashamed or blame oneself for. A hearty “Thank You” MM.

    Me: You? I feel so awful that I didnt know. *hugggyyyyy*
    As for the trolls – yes, you get them all the time. I’ve realised they’re bitter souls who will never understand the pain you’ve been through, the joy you celebrated, or the strength it takes to blog and put your heart out there for everyone to trample upon. but you always have us…

  42. According to me,these statements do rub in a lot.
    ..asking if i am feeling alright and asking me to take care of my health, every freaking time.
    ..asking me to be happy that i have a child at home and that there is no need to greive so long. its been only 2 months and i have no clue when if i would ever be over this.
    ..and this blaming that its bcos i dint eat well, that i dint take enough rest and such like. my mom and mil could lead this troop!

    Thx for the pity party:)

    Me: :) glad you can joke about it. tell us when we go from empathy and sisterhood to pity. we shall promptly jam brakes.

    the first one -sorry, I plead guilty. mostly its just concern – should learn to put a stop to it.
    the other two lines – i’m sorry.. but smack them all. call me when you tire of it.

    i know of a woman who had the WHOLE world tell her that she lost the second one because she took it in her stride. the child had a heart defect and lived a month. I want to know how that was her fault. sadly i wasnt around to defend her.

    Ps: I had to come back to add this after examining the last two statements. This is the kind of thing a lot of older women would say. I dont think they even realise how hurtful it is. i hope our generation is more gentle than that.

  43. Nothing much except that those were not very complimentary words for people who choose to grieve alone. But I am sorry, the larger context of this post is very clear to me and I do sincerely congratulate you for helping so many people come out and speak openly.

    Me: ah well..apologies. there’s always someone who picks up on something in a way it wasnt meant. and there’s always something one can take offence to, i’ve realised, after almost 4 years of blogging. but yes, that wasnt the point of the post and i’m sorry they caught your eye… for that matter, even those who grieve openly arent called anything complimentary as Saya pointed out… :)
    as for me.. i did nothing great. simply asked those who grieved to vent and help others and themselves. Glad it happened… they seem stronger people for doing it.

  44. yes, typically older women, except my goofy ob/gyn. she told me “it is definitely not your fault” before she even said “sorry, but i don’t see a heartbeat”
    Funny how my brain recorded this in such a situation.

    Me: yes, funny what the brain picks up on. as a matter of fact her statement validates perakath’s. so many women do feel its their fault. human nature no? Glad you dont. i know i felt awful about the bean’s eczema for months. she gets it from my side of the family… fortunately i am over that. i had blogged about it too.

  45. I read a bit about this when a close friend miscarried. From what I learned, the human body has viability checks in place and most of the time an early miscarriage means that the fetus was not viable due to a chromosomal abnormality, thereby causing the abortion. It does not necessarily indicate anything (wrong) about the parents’ physiology. Of course I cannot bring myself to give this sceincey gyan to a friend who has suffered such an unimaginable loss. But I was happy that the friend herself read up about it and could one day talk about it and give me reverse gyan on the topic. She said it was cathartic for her to read about the science behind it and teach all the aunties who came up with random old wives tales.

    On that note, I wonder about other taboo topics w.r.t motherhood like breast feeding for example. I wonder how a generation ago people claimed to have had NO problems with learning how to breast feed, or was it just another taboo topic?

    Me: Hey AJ.. yes, you’re right. science is cold comfort when you’ve miscarried. but its a useful bit of info to pass on if you see a friend languishing and blaming herself.

    as for breastfeeding – in a strange way, it was less of a problem earlier. my old ped tells me that part of the problem arises from stress. too much reading, too much half baked knowledge and too many fears. its all hormonal and that prevents the milk from flowing. also, too many young mothers in a rush to get back their figures dont eat the ghee and the other stuff that used to be good for milk production. and finally – too much chemical shit in our food causing hormonal imbalances. other than that – definitely taboo. i know lots of people who had BF problems and kids were fed by wet nurses or given goats milk.

  46. MM,

    I visit your site everyday but dont comment often, but this post touched a nerve.. i went through an ectopic last august, we caught it early and the pregnancy was terminated. It was one of the toughest things i have had to deal with, the usual questions of why me?? and then the fear of whether i will ever be able to conceive again and will it be in the right place. I am 4 months pregnant now and till this date i worry everyday that i hope everything is fine with the baby!! I havent shared this with a lot of people, We just told my in laws, my parents and 3 of my closest friends. I just couldnt deal with the explaning what happened and how it happened etc.. now i feel i am in a better position mentally to talk about it.

    Thanks for bringing it up!!!

    mini

  47. It’s indeed a very sensitive topic MM and you put it forward very well. I was also at a risk of losing my baby in the first trimester and it shook me but fortunately my baby is almost an year old now. I understand what it means to have a miscarriage and my heart goes out to all those who have gone through this and have opened up at this space. Just can’t do anything more than sending my prayers and best wishes for them.

  48. Hi MM,

    I was on the verge of crying when I read the post, but when I read the comments, my eyes were wet. Like you, I haven’t been through such a loss so far (touchwood). But I have people very dear to me who have dealt with this pain.

    The physical and mental anguish for the woman, and the mental anguish for the couple together is in itself so much. But what makes most cases harder is the comments from rude aunties/ladies of the previous generation. Things like ‘you didnt eat well’, ‘you were only worried about your job’ etc.. or ‘oh u girls nowadays try to have kids only when you’re 30.. no wonder you have such problems’ etc… I can’t imagine how people make such comments when they talk to someone in grief. I mean, they can judge if they must, but dont say it out and hurt somebody.
    For all of you in the comments who lost a baby/fetus, God bless. please know that one more person is praying for you, for a happy, healthy child soon…

  49. Hi MM,
    This topic is extremely close to my heart. I have been through this and more. No thankfully I did not lose my babies, but my whole pregnancy was quite a roller coaster. I had been to the ER a couple of times with heavy bleeding.

    I was quite open about my pregnancy to the world and when I was in the hospital I got a lot of support from my friends. BUT there were people who asked me a million questions making me feel it was all my fault and I was not careful enough.

    My babies were safe but they were born very premature. Another thing apart from making people aware and more sensitive towards miscarriage are topics like premature births and ectopic pregnancies. There is a very little knowledge around preemie babies and the complexity of premature birth.

    I am glad you started on this topic .. If you ever want to venture out into the world of preemies or have any friends who need help or information do let me know. I will be more than happy to share what I know ..

  50. Wow.

    Lakshmi (#12 and #30), thanks for answering. You weren’t rude at all.

    Shilpa (#21, #32, #35), Dottie (#27), my views on MTP and abortions and miscarriage are evidently very different from yours. You’re entitled to judge, of course, just as I judge you by your replies. Thank you for taking offense at a joke I didn’t make, though.

    Surabhi (#33), Stranger (#37), and Paisa (#39), thanks for answering, too. It was of course a perfectly honest question.

    MM– thanks for tolerating and explaining on my behalf.

  51. MM (and Perakath):
    I know you have apologized for his(Perakath’s) ignorance and “youth” and I also understand when you defend his question as being an honest one. But I dont think it was necessary to let us all know that he thought of an admittedly innapropriate joke on this topic.
    Not funny or cool.

    I think it was extremely insensitive of him to do so especially since he is fully aware of this forum and its participants.

    I’m sure for a person who blogs he could have been “curious” and “honest” in a more articulate manner. I understand your “kids these days” argument but that is no excuse for a plain lack of courtesy(if sensitivity is too much to ask for)
    But then again this could be another shot at sensationalism. Either way, I just wanted to make my displeasure evident.

    About the topic in question, thankfully I haven’t had to experience it but just thinking about it makes my throat constrict. I know family and friends who have been through these tragedies and know that it can be an unimaginable hell. My hugs to all those brave women above who have shared their stories with us.

    Me: Well munchkin’s mom, let it not be said that we’ve all lost our sense of humour. I dont expect anyone else to find it funny – which is what I’ve said to him in the comments, but I really wish we’d stop raking up comments on a post and going to war over them. It takes away from the main issue at hand. And finally -this is someone I’ve known a while now and the comment was meant with a certain context in mind. A lot of us now have an off-the-blog friendship which means we take liberties we wouldnt have otherwise….

    Have already dealt with it and every single person raking it up doesnt make sense, does it? Now lets just let it go please. If I in any way thought it was a joking matter I wouldnt have written the post at all. Lets just take a deep breath… and let it go.

  52. what a stupid idea it was to come on to YOUR blog when i had woken up early and thought l’il tp will make me sleepy! bah! how come this waking up early business doesnt happen on weekdays?! :(

    anyhoo! beautiful post! i remember we found i was preggers a day before we were leaving for a 15 days chhutti to north to see all rishtedaars!

    i asked the doc and she said go ahead and have fun! just eat and travel sensibly! but first time preggers i did worry a bit. till i reached agra to a fav chacha chaachi from whom i couldnt hide!

    chachi said “if you have a miscarriage its because whateva is there is not good for your body! so dontcha worry”

    i didnt go and read up anything! but that one statement liberated me completely!

    i went on to have a chilled pregnancy!

    ofcos i am never the one to shy away from talking about things. i have written often enough that i needed medication to get pregnant and always got coupla mails saying what meds exactly and all that jazz!

    same goes for breastfeeding! i dont think that previous generation didnt have breastfeeding troubles! my mom did and so did my MILs. but that didnt stop them from making ME miserable about not getting it right! there was NO ONE to tell me that its ok and normal to not get it right! to give top feed because you dont have enough!

    i wrote a whole post on it! tell every new mum i know that there CAN be trouble and there is no shame in it! it wont make you lesser mother or a child any less! unless he/she is gonna be countered with “agar apni maa ka doodh peeya hai toh saamne aa” very often! :p

    i mean if boo hadnt written about her BFing trouble so openly, i dunno what i would have done! :)

    and all these strong women commenting on this post. tho crying my eyes out first thing in the morning isnt the best thing to do! :p

    cheers!

  53. MM .. this topic reminded me of a very touching incident. While my boys were in the hospital NICU after birth, I was going through a very tough time trying to cope up. Its tough to leave new borns behind for 3/4 months and come home alone. ANyways .. during that time one of my neighbours came to visit. She had 3 miscarriages one after the other.

    She and her friend came to visit and we were talking about the whole pre-term birth. I was used to people trying to console me, but this woman just looks into my eyes and says ..”U are a lucky woman”.. FOr a minute I was taken aback. My babies were fighting for life attached to breathing machines in the hospital and she says I am lucky. Then it dawned on me and she said it aloud. Bachhe hai toh sahi .. Unka socho who did not make it even this far for the doctors to try and make them survive.

    I will not forget that moment ever in my life.

  54. @Meena .. I completely understand what you went thorugh. My boys born at 27 weeks .. Had it all Neonatal Jaundice .. Breathing issues .. feeding issues .. weight gain .. reflux.. everything .. Preemie parenthood is a different ball game altogether.

    @MM .. sorry for taking so much of this space .. I can just not stop my self .. Even today I can not forget the 6 months of my pregnancy when we did not know if my boys would make it or not and then 3 months of NICU when we did not know what news the morning would get us.. And now people walk upto me and ask the boys age and comment on their low weight .. I wonder what should I reply ? I just so thankful to almighty that I have them .. A lil underweight .. so what .. But its eventually a comment that comes up on what kind of a mother I am .. may be I am not feeding them well ..
    Anyways :) I think I should just stop now ..

    Very Very touching topic MM .. Your blog and all the comments above made me cry and then say a small prayer thanking God and gave an extra hug to my boys for fighting it out with us ..

    God Bless u ..

  55. MM ,

    I’ve miscarried my first pregnancy in the 11th week . That was three years ago..
    I gave birth to a beautiful boy on the 2nd of May and found out that he has a congenital heart condition where the survival rate is very less .
    My parents and hubby have given me the strength to deal with this and for that ,I’m thankful.

    Me: I’m so sorry to hear that…. I pray that he heals and gains strength …. and grows to be a naughty little fellow who keeps you on your toes :)

  56. Perakath,

    I’m sure you’re aware that there’s a sea of difference between abortion or MTP & miscarriage. And this blogpost does not address the former two at all!

    This is a very sensitive issue (as you see, many have shared their own stories), so just a mention that you thought of a joke (and inappropriate one at that! in your own words) when you were not going to put it down anyway was quite out of the context.

    Finally, peace :)

    Me: Shivani – he’s already apologised and so have I, so why dont we let it go? Bringing it up again is pointless. That said – he didnt say anything about an MTP at all. Unless you mean the guilt – in which case you will see that he was asking a valid question. Leaving two links here for anyone else who is confused over his question – http://www.epigee.org/fetal/coping.html

    http://mylifeaftermiscarriage.wordpress.com/category/guilt/

    i dont think he was blaming anyone.. he was asking a genuine question. If we dont open up the forum and talk freely, we’ll never set ourselves free…

    and yes, peace

  57. Thanks MM!I speak about my experience quite openly. The first time was tough but then once I lost my mother and had a miscarriage and then lost my second baby I was ready to talk to anyone who was willing to listen. For all the other women who are in a similar situation I can only say that it gets better. I’ve lost my parents and 3 babies in 3 years but I am ok. My family thought I’d go into depression but I didn’t. The past few years have helped me put my entire life in perspective. I truly know what’s important and what’s not.
    Thanks MM!

    Me: no yaar… thanks for letting me link up :) And all the best – I think you’re doing great things these days…

  58. Hey MM,

    I think I should have clarified earlier that mine was a reply to Perakath’s comment #53 where he tells Dottie that his views on miscarriage & MTP/abortion are different from hers.I made that remark since MTP (a very contentious topic in itself) is poles apart from the issue of miscarriage & grief thereof which you’re discussing here.

    As for his question (#53) I had no problem at all.. I too think it’s a perfectly valid query to have as do many others who have answered it for him.

    My apologies for dragging this further. In hindsight, I realised I shouldn’t have.

    Me: :) cool. we’re all clear then

  59. Actually MM, I don’t think I did apologise, so at the risk of making it all about me, let me do it now. Unconditionally, here.

    Conditionally, and in more detail, here: http://themunchkinblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/gym-boree/#comment-550 (subject to moderator approval).

    Your post and links and the comments certainly got me thinking about miscarriage, though. Which was partly the point, I guess?

    And mere college boy I might be, but I have friends who’ve suffered this too. (I just said a plain knock-knock joke at that time…)

    Shivani (#61), you’re right, I don’t know why I clubbed MTP with miscarriage. My bad.

    Me: sokay dude. I knew where you were coming from, they didn’t. Let it go now…

    I hope everyone else will too.

  60. Sorry MM, for taking it up once more even though you have asked us to stop.

    Perakath – I, for one, appreciated it that you refrained from writing the joke. Not because I find the mention of a joke on this topic rude – I don’t. But you thought about the feelings of others who might get offended. I personally think that it is a sign of healing when we learn to laugh at our misfortunes. To me, when I was able to laugh at why I needed fertility treatments (idiopathic infertility – means I am an idiot who can’t conceive :P) was a sign that I was emotionally fine whatever the outcome may be. Of course not everyone can do that because their circumstances might be different. Even I was able to laugh at myself only after going through the grieving process. I just wanted you to know that I think there was nothing wrong in mentioning a joke. The admirable thing is that you didn’t regale us with it here :D

  61. this is something I have seen from close quarters.. my cousin could never carry a baby beyond 7 months .. She lost 4 babies and all of us felt helpless as she used to go into a shell each time.. ignored the fact her body still needed post partum care .. But God had other things in store for her .. she had a baby with surrogate mother and I havent seen anyone happier since …
    Lovely Post!!

  62. dont see many men commenting here. i’ve seen my friends going thro the pain of abortion n loss n it did hurt to see atleast in some cases the husbands were on a blame game. one of my friends husband asked her point blank why she was not able to ‘keep’ the baby full term!? u know it’s so hurting tht even people closest to u dont understand the pain of an abortion / still borns and the emotional damage it does to a woman. another friend suffered thro a decade of marriage with unbearable pain n guilt bcoz the partner never forgot to remind her she cant have children. she was relieved finally when he chose to divorce. atleast now she has a life of her own.

    the truth is in many households in our country people still believe tht miscarriage and infertility represnt a flaw or shortcoming in a woman. bcoz fertility is still so strongly associated with validity of a woman’s existence people r cautious n believe in superstitions like ‘nazar’etc when it comes to prgenancy.

    hope there will be more men who understand the pure biology of human body functions and alienate it from emotions. and more women who can understand tht fertility is not the measurement of their usefulness to society and tht being infertile is not a personal failure of any kind. and more couples who can choose to enjoy parenthood as much as anyone else through adoptions.
    we are in the process of adoption for second child. though i love my first born to death whom i had conceived n delivered with no hitches, i would’ve prefered to go directly to adoptions even before my biological baby ,if only my partner had supported me there.
    i fail to understand why people r so obsessed with reproduction of own body cells – it has nothing to do with the satisfying journey of parenthood.if u must n if u can – pl go ahead n have biological children but if u cant life doesnt stop there or joy of living doesnt close any doors there.

  63. This post is almost god-sent for me. Thank you for writing this rightnow. I really really needed to read this.

    I am now 11 wks pregnant and so far so good…i have told select family and close friends, because i couldn’t hide the excitement.

    But the fear that something might go wrong is so real to me..i run to the loo everytime i feel something wet, praying silently that i dont see blood. every cramp feels like it might lead to something..i know i am probably just being paranoid but its just a deep-rooted fear..and i dont know how it has gotten into my head!!

    just reading this blog and comments have given me so much strength and I feel a sense of peace..like there a so many people out there who know my fears.

    thank you MM for writing this now..and thank you all for sharing your stories.

  64. w ref to the guilt factor on miscarriage : i miscarried soon after i conceived the first time, in the first trimester.. since we didnt plan for it, i was not too excited and then upset when i found out abt my pregnancy. and when i miscarried, i felt like i had wished it away, horrible…it was a huge guilt trip. but my advisor put it in perspective, she said :imagine if it was that easy, wishing it away, then all those teen pregnancies wd not be an issue. miscarriages are nature’s check points at work. i am always amazed at how intricately the baby making process is managed by nature…
    my next pregnancy went smoothly till 36 weeks and then they said its IUGR (intra uterine growth retardation), i was freaking out, and wanted to know what did they mean by retardation…ob was non commital…nature makes sure that the vitals get blood supply when in a bind, so heart and brain shud be fine…but cant say! i had a c sec and my baby was touchwd fine, underwt..but fine. i remember sending out his day10 pics to all and sundry. he looked beautiful to me, but only when relatives started enquiring w/ mil abt his health did we look at the pic and realise mmm maybe he does look scrawny! but the 15 days he spent in nicu were painful bcoz it was heart wrenching to see the tiny babies with tubes runningall over the incubator there,in comp mine looked like a big baby. i had no bzness complaining!
    sorry mm this turned out longer than i thot it wd. i will add to the c-sec stories instead.

    me: You know I was told IUGR for the Bean and the OB had no suggestion. and then the family physician just made a simple suggestion – put magazines under the foot of the bed and raise it slightly. naturally it increased the blood flow to the bean and in 3 weeks she went from IUGR to a very healthy baby of 3 kilos.

  65. Hey MM, another great one! We all know someone who’s been through this. Years ago, I met a friend who was pregnant the last time I saw her. Since this meeting was a few months later, I figured I would ask about the baby (since by my calculations, she would have delivered the baby by then). I asked. She looked right at me and informed me that her son had died shortly after his birth. I was dumbfounded and horrified!!! And she saw it all on my face and started to console me instead, in response to my condolences! It’s still painfully vivid in my mind! She shared that she was stronger because she could talk about him. I just hugged her and walked away with a very heavy heart. Hats off to all these strong women. And to you, MM, for proving this space. Hugs from NY.

  66. This topic is here in open and like in a Babycenter miscarriage forum. That is the only forum where I have mentioned about my miscarriage before. It was too early in the pregnancy and it almost was like a delayed period. But it was heart-wrenching for me to even think about it now. Now I am a mother of two toddlers and an angel.

    That baby is still my first and will remain in my heart.

  67. I think the process of grieving is different in each person. When I lost my first, I couln’t talk about it without breaking into tears for a few months. But I appreciated the friends who were there and tried to cheer me and tried to make me forget my grief, however momentarily. It was only after a long time that I could talk/write about the miscarriage without a total breakdown. yes, once the intensity of the pain lessens a bit, it is indeed better to be able to talk about the pain. It was one of the more personal posts I had written (I deleted it a month or so back due to its personal nature) and the sharing helped me copw with the pain.

    The second time, unlike the first, I didn’t tell anyone, not even the parents, about the pregnancy until after the 5th month ultrasound. Mainly because I didn’t want to have to give another piece of heartbreaking news to parents in case it happened again and for the rest, I didn’t want to have to bring the topic and remind myself of what had happened beore.

  68. Hello everyone,

    My heart-felt hugs and warm wishes to everyone who has written here and undergone the traumatic experience. A couple of years back I was a newly-wed and heard about friends suffering a loss, that time I could only sympathize with them.

    Recently, I found out I was pregnant and in a few days saw spotting which lasted a week. Went to ER, the Doc said, there is nothing he could do if a miscarriage was happening, it just broke my heart to hear that and to add to that the tears in my husband eyes, so attached to the yet unborn baby, made things even worse.

    Thankfully, all went well and I am having my survivor inside of me right now. But with this, I came to realize first-hand, what it means to have such a loss. And the funny thing is you cant even pray miscarriages never happen, since they are nature’s way of taking care of life and abnormalities.
    But I understand that pain and am sorry for a parent’s loss and pray all goes well.

    Thanks for creating this post MM, I am all teary now, the hormones are in over-drive.

  69. I am reading this just now MM. Gosh, you make a very valid point! Many people I know have suffered this loss. It is invariably thought of as some failure on the woman’s part, absurdly. I think thats why people dont like to talk much about it.

  70. Pingback: I feel the pain.. « The Munchkin Blog

  71. Hi MM,
    It is going to be long comment. Sorry about that!
    After I discovered your post, I got so addicted to it that I am trying to read all the old posts and came across this one. I went to the link and read the post and it was very sad. I agree to all that about miscarriages being considered a taboo. But, another thing that is s bigger sin is having a kid with ‘Mental Retardation’. I have one. We got his diagnosis when he was 1.5 years old. Luckily, I did not go into deppression. It was terrible in the beginning, but I had a beautiful baby sister for him 2 years after that and I bounced back. I am really ok now and I enjoy both my kids just like any other mom with typical kids. The point I am trying to make here is that, eventhough we are ok, we don’t share his diagnosis with any body except close family and very few Indian friends(My son’s condition is not visible at all unless you spend a long time with him. He looks like a normal kid physically). I think it is because I am afraid of the social stigma that is associated with it in our community. I feel I am so lucky we live in the US where people are much much better and they only call these kids ‘Special Needs’ and there are so many programs that help them. My heart goes out to those who are in India where they are treated as worthless beings. I recently saw MNIK and kept crying all through the time where his childhood was shown. I don’t know I just wanted to share this with you as you are interested in social issues. May be you can write another post about this when you have time that will help/inspire us mothers with special children.

    Sorry for the long comments once again.

  72. what a time to come across this post. May reach out to some people who have commented here. Hope you don’t mind?

    n regarding being open about it, i know i have really debated about this in my head. Its just that, rite now, I don’t feel ready to share my worries. Yes, i want to be part of a community, but i want to make sure that community is filled with people who will know what i’m going thru’ and say/do the right things…and of course we know how hard that is.
    It becomes tough when people are insensitive or when they look at you with pity. I don’t want this or that…and i know thats a tough demand…which is why, i keep my grief to myself.

    Not to be published :

    I’ve been lurking on ur blog every now n then reading old posts. Hope u don’t mind. Don’t feel like reading the new ones or commenting on them..not yet. Please tell me , if thats an issue with you.

  73. Pingback: Members of the cat family | The Mad Momma

  74. It is awful how something that takes such a huge physical and emotional toll on a woman is forcefully shushed. Does the prospect of facing someone who has miscarried make people so uncomfortable that they’d rather not hear about it than be there to support her? Out of frustration, I sometimes feel that silence is better. Better than being at the receiving end of sympathy, judgement, getting mommy-tracked at work, having people force their body politics on you and those that just can’t help prodding others to “try again”.

    Since I have never known such a loss but only seen friends go through it, I can’t claim to truly understand all the emotional complexities behind it. I do know that it is a deeply personal loss. And I still never know what to say, which is why I’m blabbering on in this comment thread after reading your last post. If it is alright with you, *hugs*.

    • All of those really. Terrible things. As Jammie said, no one knows how to share really. By the end of it you wish you’d just gone with your gut and stayed quiet.

      Oh hugs are always welcome. As I said. It was an ectopic. I didn’t know I was expecting until after it was over. It would not have gone to fullterm anyway. I’d have lost it as it grew and might have lost a tube with it. Fortunately I didn’t lose a tube and neither did I die.

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